


It only hurt once: from beggining to end

by LooIsHere



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Brendol Hux - Freeform, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Phasma Lives, Rape, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, Violence, mentionned - Freeform, no comfort, no happy ending, non-con, tiny bit of comfort, violent kylo ren
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-10-12
Packaged: 2019-06-14 11:49:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15388137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LooIsHere/pseuds/LooIsHere
Summary: Hux feels like he has been looking for who Kylo Ren used to be... Back when they were both actually happy.





	1. All we ever have is now.

**Author's Note:**

> I've read tons and tons of kylux stories, yet never dares to write one. Guess I couldn't help but fall in love with them (and also in the pit of dub-con/non-con.)  
> Please read the tags, this work contains violence. Do not read if you don't like it.  
> I hope you'll like it !

 

 

Hux squirms and forces on his shoulders and arms to free his wrists from Kylo’s grasp. His left hand slips out of the powerful grip and he brings it back next to his face swiftly. Before he can do so much as try to wriggle his other wrist free, he feels the air leave his lungs.

 

“What do you think you are doing ?”

 

From the corner of his eye, he sees Kylo’s left hand stretched out in the all too familiar chokehold. He can't see his face, but he perfectly knows it is wrinkled in a hateful expression. Hux tries to answer, but his closed throat won't allow a single sound out. Instead, his eyes start watering and his vision blurs.

 

“Do you still think you can escape _me_ ?” He snarls, both his hold on his wrist and throat tightening.

 

Hux’s left hand clutches the black sheets as he desperately tries to inhale.

 

“You are mine to play with.” Kylo spits through clenched teeth. “ _Mine.”_

 

Suddenly, air flows back in and Hux coughs, mechanically bringing his hand to his windpipe. The blood rushing through is ears is deafening, but it doesn't cover the awful sound of skin on skin coming from behind him.

 

Before long, Kylo takes his hand and forcefully twists it behind his back again. Hux yelps in pain and feels the tears fall with an almost imperceptible sound on the bed. Despite all his efforts, he starts to sob as he is thrust into violently by the raven-haired man.

 

“Please,” he begs in vain, “Ren, please, stop.”

 

“I am your _Supreme Leader_.” Kylo growls, his voice trembling in anger as he digs his short nails in the irritated skin of Hux’s hips.

 

He wants to scream. Everything hurts. His shoulders. His arms. His hips. His back. His insides. His legs. He closes his eyes tight and clenches his teeth. His soul.

 

In a last, painful stroke, he hears Kylo groan and feels his cock throb in him as he comes. He holds back a whine and waits for everything to end. As usual, the Knight lets go of him and steps away to put back on the little clothes he took off, if any. As usual, he doesn't bother asking if he's okay before leaving silently.

 

When he hears the door click shut, Hux finally cries. In exhaustion. In shame. In misery. Still on his knees, face against the bed, he struggles to lift himself on his shaking arms. His damp hair clings to his forehead. His eyes sting. His whole body is covered in sweat. He glances down and sees that Kylo’s nails left raw red marks on his hip. He feels soiled. A strangled wail escapes his abused throat. Just like every other time. 

 

Hux stands carefully and removes his trousers, that Kylo hasn't bothered pushing further down than mid-thigh, and his jacket, shirt and undershirt. Only then he gathers enough strength to limp to the bathtub. As hot water pours on him, he buries his face in his hands. He tried staying strong, he tried being his usual calculating, expressionless self. But he failed. Miserably. For the billionth time, he asks himself the same question. _Why ?_ It used to be different, _so different_ between them.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“General Hux.”

 

His ginger hair perfectly combed and his uniform perfectly ironed, Hux nods briefly to the man that salutes him. It takes him everything he has not to wince every time he takes a step.

 

“General Hux.”

 

He turns around. “Phasma.”

 

“The Supreme Leader requests your presence.”

 

He curses internally as a cold shiver runs down his spine. “Good.” He says a bit too quickly to his taste. “Thank you.”

 

His boots feel heavy as he walks. Kylo has never asked for him two days in a row. He feels his heart rate increase. He stops in front of the door and tries to breathe calmly. He knows looking anxious will only trigger the man’s wrath.

 

“You asked for me, Supreme Leader ?” He says, walking in in what he hopes is an assured enough step before putting a knee down.

 

“Hux.” The word echoes through the silent room. “Your body has recovered well.”

 

The General keeps his head down. “Yes, Supreme Leader.”

 

“Do you think I am too lenient with you ?”

 

He curses mentally. He knows there is no good answer to this question. If he says no, he will be punished. If he says yes, he will be treated worse.

 

“You… Are always right, Supreme Leader.”

 

He hears him stand and walk to him. With a twist of his fingers, he forces Hux’s head to raise before taking his jaw in his hand and squeezing hard.

 

“Then how is it you are still on your feet today ? Haven't I broken you enough ?” The gloved hand slides down and grabs his throat. “Is it violence you seek from me, Hux ?”

 

“No..” He stammers, fear paralysing him. “No Master R..” He can't finish his sentence as a sharp slap given with the back of the hand lands on his cheek.

 

“You dare disrespect me again, General ?” Kylo almost shouts.

 

“Forgive me, Supreme Leader.” The taste of blood fills his mouth. His tongue sweeps over the small wound his teeth tore into the soft flesh.

 

Kylo grabs his hair and pulls it back violently, maintaining his head straight, his eyes locked in Hux’s. “There is no forgiveness to ask for. You will pay for your offenses. Tonight. If you are not in my private chambers before me, I will make sure every minute lost waiting for you will be added to your debt.”

 

“Yes, Supreme Leader.”

 

He throws him back brutally and Hux falls hard on his back.

 

“Leave, now.”

 

Hux stands difficulty and bends before turning on his heels and leaving. He brushes his hand in his hair to comb them back in a semblance of order.

 

* * *

 

 

His boots echo too loudly in the large bedroom. He scans his surroundings and exhales in relief. He is first in here. Mechanically, he unclasps the large belt and removes his coat, neatly placing it on the back of a chair on which he then carefully sits on. He still hurts from the events of the day before. With a sigh, he rubs his face, trying not to think about what is about to happen, about _why_ it will happen. And he fails. He can't help but notice with pain how everything has changed.

 

He jumps when the door of the refresher opens, and a horrified wince contorts his face when he sees Kylo.

 

“Twelve minutes and thirty-six seconds.”

 

Hux’s eyes widen. He was sure he wasn't late. He has a backward move as the Force user slowly steps towards him. He is fully naked, yet Hux can't help the fear invading his body and soul. He could have sworn Kylo was still in the throne room when he left the bridge.

 

With trembling hands, he starts unbuckling his belt and unbuttoning his uniform pants.

 

“No need for this.” Kylo tells him in a low voice. “I know taking you again would damage you more, and the last thing I want is to be unable to use you because I made you bleed too much.”

 

Hux swallows nervously.

 

“On your knees.” Kylo’s voice in now commanding. There is no room left for negotiations.

 

Hux immediately kneels in front of him, waiting for more instructions. When the Knight tangles his fingers in his hair, he knows it is the signal to start. So he does.

 

Opening his mouth, he wraps his lips around the head of Kylo’s cock and uses his right hand to gently grab the base. Then, he lets the member slowly slide in him until he feels the unpleasant sensation of reaching the limit. Gently twisting his tongue around him, he slides off and puts soft kisses along his length.

 

“Don't,” Kylo pulls brutally on his hair to make him stop. “You are no lover to me.” He presses his blunt tip against his lips until he forces his way back inside him. “You are my _toy_.”

 

All of the sudden, Hux’s head is pushed forward and the shaft slides further back in his throat. He whimpers around it in surprise and gags, his left hand trying to push Kylo out of him. When he tries to breathe, he chokes and tears start building at the corner of his eyes. Kylo pulls him back and he coughs violently, a thick string of saliva falling on his chin.

 

“I’ll _use_ you and _abuse_ you for as long as I wish.” He grunts.

 

Hux starts again, forcing himself to take him deep, his throat contracting every time he goes too far. He hates to hear the wet sound his slick lips make when they slide around him, he hates to hear the blissful moans Kylo makes, he hates every second of it. Once more, Kylo pushes him hard on his member until his nose bumps on his navel and Hux tries his best not to gag, in vain. He feels his throat trying to push him out, his lungs burning from the lack of air. He tries to protest, but it only makes the Supreme Leader maintain him here longer. When finally he deigns to let him breathe, Hux falls on his hands, taking ragged breaths.

 

“Your weakness disgusts me.”

 

Kylo slaps him with the back of his bare hand and he yelps. Just like earlier. The metallic taste of blood coats his tongue as he licks his split lip. Without wasting any time, he is pushed forward and forced to continue. He feels the thin skin of his lower lip crack even further as he wraps his mouth around him, but he says nothing. Instead, he bobs his head faster and hopes for it to be over. Ren had always been too resistant. So he ignores the sting of spit and precome on the wound and hollows his cheeks. He feels Kylo’s pleasure building up as his grasp gets more and more painful on his hair. He closes his eyes and focuses on his moves, and soon a telltale string of curse escapes Kylo’s mouth.

 

So in a last upstroke he removes his lips from around him, even if he knows it will earn him punishment. The Knight comes in a harsh moan, his semen landing in Hux’s still wide open mouth, on his cheeks and on his chin. The General tries to stay still, his trembling lips refusing to close.

 

“Swallow.” Kylo orders him with a fury laced voice despite his panting. So Hux swallows reluctantly. He reopens his eyes.

 

“Don't ever try to do this again,” Kylo spits, “I claimed your mouth and everything else in your body. I'll make you choke around my cock when I come if it is what it takes to make you understand it.” He lets go of his hair and steps away.

 

Hux feels the mix of semen, blood and saliva trickle down his chin and throat, so he wipes it away with the back of his hand. When he looks down, he sees two white stains on his black shirt. He watches Kylo turn around and, out of habit, scans him from head to toe. As loneliness and sorrow dissipate the veil of pain and shame, the question comes harassing his mind again. _Why ?_

 

~


	2. The past beats inside me like a second heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Looking back on the past had always brought him harm. Yet still he does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, I had a busy week ! I hope you'll enjoy it !  
> UPDATE: Last chapter is going to be a bit late, I'm sorry, but I'm working on it as I speak, don't worry !

“Hey..” A soft voice calls him as long fingers travel his shoulder. 

 

Hux smiles in his half-conscious state.

 

“Time to wake up, Hux.” 

 

He hums and turns around, burying his nose in the warm neck offered to him, snuggling closer as he enjoys the familiar scent filling his nostrils. He hears a small chuckle. 

 

“I know you are catching up all these years of insomnia, but..”

 

“Please,” he mumbles against pale skin, “not yet..”

 

He feels the body next to his move and his head falls on the mattress. He grunts in dissatisfaction. The next thing he knows is the bed is dipping towards his feet and a bright light hits his face. He jerks away from it and sits up, frowning. A hand lands on his sheet-covered thigh. He opens his eyes carefully as a yawn escapes him.

 

“Hello,” he grins. In front of him, sitting sideways, is a black-haired, fair-skinned man. His full lips stretch as he smiles at him. And handsome, at that.

 

“Finally,” he laughs and leans to kiss him. 

 

“Are you Knights of Ren all up at daybreak every morning ?”

 

“No,” Kylo turns his back to him and stands, much to Hux’s pleasure. “And I’m afraid dawn is already far.” 

 

Hux hums in a non-answer, too busy admiring Kylo’s perfect skin, the muscles rolling under it, every single one of his moles, the curve of his-

 

“It’s rude to stare.” Kylo flashes him a sly grin. 

 

“Look at yourself.” 

 

“No way I’m tearing my eyes off this sexy ginger, General.” 

 

“I’ve already told you a thousand times but  you don't have to call me  _ General  _ or  _ Hux _ when it's just the two of us.”

 

“What should I call you then ?”

 

“Armitage ?”

 

“It doesn't suit you.” Kylo slips on a pair of underwear, pants and a tank top. “And it’s way too long to use in bed.” 

 

Hux’s face reddens slightly at the allusion, but it goes unseen under his freckles. “Alright then, Ren.” He chuckles.

* * *

 

 

Kylo pushes him against the wall of his room, his fingers intertwined with his. As they kiss, he slides a knee between his thighs and presses himself against him. He frees his hands and slides them along Hux’s back while he kisses and bites his neck and shoulders he just bared. Hux sighs when he squeezes his ass, his still gloved hands buried in Kylo’s dark mane. He moans softly when the Knight comes back to claim his lips. 

 

Feeling around more than seeing what he’s doing, he unclasps the black cape and starts undoing the tunic’s hooks. He puts soft kisses on Kylo’s face, giving a particular attention to each of his moles. Kylo grabs his wrists and pins them to the wall as he presses his groin harder. Hux whimpers as his shaft rubs against Ren’s through their trousers. He lets his head fall back against the wall and loses himself in the sensations. The warmth of his body seeping through their clothes. His hair tickling his face. The cold of his breath when he exhales after wetly kissing his skin.

 

He rocks his hips in time with Kylo’s, desperate for more friction. His uniform pants are getting uncomfortable. All he dreams about is to wrap his long legs around his waist and fuck himself brainless on him. 

 

He is taken out of his thoughts as Kylo’s body separates from his. Suddenly, he is turned around and Ren traps him against the wall. 

 

“Wait..” Hux huffs as an alarm goes off in his head.

 

“What is it, General ?” Kylo’s breath is too hot against his neck.

 

“I..” The wall is too cold. Too hard. “Wait, Kylo..”

 

“Lost your nerve ?” His body is too heavy. His heart rate speeds up.

 

“Stop..”  _ Dad no ! It wasn’t-   _ “I can't breathe, I..”

 

The Knight’s hands are still all over him and he starts to panic. He swallows through a closed throat. 

 

“Please.” His voice trembles, now high-pitched.  _ Dad,  _ “Please, stop.”  _ I beg you, please please ple- _

 

It takes a few more seconds, but Ren moves away from him as if he had burnt himself. When Hux turns around, eyes wide and breath short, Kylo’s face is contorted in a horrified wince. 

 

“Hux..” He starts. “I’m sorry.” 

 

“Don’t be.” His whole body is shaking. “You couldn’t have known.” 

 

“I’m sorry I read your mind, I-”

 

“No, you..” Hux stares at him intensely as takes deep breaths to relax. “It probably got too strong and..”

 

Kylo nods. “Do you want to talk about it, love ?”

 

“What did you see ?” Hux doesn’t react to the pet name, even though in normal conditions he would have rolled his eyes.

 

“You were talking to your father.” He takes his hand and they both sit on the bed. “Telling him to stop.”

 

It is Hux who nods this time. “I guess you have the right to know.”

 

“I already know he beat you up.”

 

Hux frowns, confused. “How ?” He thought only Phasma and him knew. 

 

“Snoke.” 

 

The ginger nods again. Of course. 

 

“It wasn’t the only thing he did to me.” He turns his head away in shame. “He also..” The words get stuck in his throat. “He used to rape me. When he thought the beating was not enough, or when he was tired of seeing my face.” 

 

He feels Kylo’s hand tense in his in anger. 

 

“He would always do _this_.” He gestures vaguely towards where they were before. “Push me against a wall. He didn’t want to see me, to hear me.” 

 

Ren stands brutally. “I’ll kill that bastard with my own hands if I must.” He spits in fury. “I’ll emasculate him and make him regret to have even thought of abusing you in any w-”

 

“Kylo.” Hux’s weary voice interrupts him. “He’s dead.” 

 

Instead of calming him, it only seems to fuel his rage. “I could have done something if you had told me earlier, I wouldn’t have let him die peacefully !” 

 

“Phasma killed him.” 

 

“What ?” He stops pacing and looks at him, taken aback. 

 

“I sent her with a handful of our best men.”

 

“Why didn’t you-”

 

“You weren’t even the Master of the Ren yet. And I needed to send someone I could trust.” 

 

“I could ha-”

 

“Snoke wouldn’t have let you.” Hux reaches out and waits for his lover to come and sit with him again. “Don’t worry. I’m fine.”

 

Kylo’s features are still twisted in a pained expression, his mouth slightly open, eyes shiny with angry tears. Hux takes him in his arms and the black-haired man holds him tight against his chest. 

 

“I’ll never let anyone harm you again.” He whispers. “You’ll only have to tell me a word and I’ll cut their head off.”

 

“Ren, I-”

 

“I don’t care about Snoke. I’ll do whatever is necessary to keep you safe.”

 

“I am safe.” The General breathes, stroking Kylo’s back gently. “I’m here, on Starkiller, with you. Nothing can happen to me.” 

 

Kylo nods silently and brings Hux with him as he lies down. 

 

* * *

 

“Ren !” Hux runs in the snow. He zigzags through the forest to reach him the fastest he can. His heart pounds in his ears. The cold air hurts his lungs. Blood coats the back of his throat. He can’t leave without him. He won’t.  _ Just a few more meters.  _

 

He falls on his knees as soon as he reaches him. He first moves to take him in his arms and lift him, but he stops when he notices the blood on the snow. Immediately, he takes a finger of his glove between his teeth and pulls his hand out of it to place it in front of Kylo’s nose. To his relief, he feels the almost indistinguishable warmth of his breath. His eyes dart back to the red snow and he touches what looks like a rip in the black tunic: his fingers come back bloody. He curses under his breath. The fabric is burnt at the shoulder and-

 

“By the Stars..” He breathes as he sees the long gash on Kylo’s shoulder, neck and face. How could he even miss it in the first place ? The thick tunic and undershirt are burnt, the edges are still hot. There is so much blood he can’t even see the wound neatly. 

 

“General Hux !” A voice calls him from the shuttle. “We need to hurry !”

 

Without thinking, he retrieves the lightsaber and lifts the unconscious Knight in his arms. Starkiller shakes under him as he penibly walks. He curses again. It collapses faster by the second. He won’t leave him behind. 

 

“Help me !” He shouts to one of the stormtroopers. 

 

They hasten to get in the shuttle and it takes off before the door is even closed. They lie him down quickly. 

 

“I’ll take care of him. Go back with the pilot.” 

 

The man leaves with a nod. Hux sighs and sits. He rubs his face and only then notices he left his glove in the snow. He watches Starkiller blow up as they get further and further away from it. He removes his coat and throws it on the chair, soon removing his other glove.

 

Hux undoes the hooks carefully, taking his time to peel the piece of clothing off, and he winces when he sees how much blood covers the pale skin. Turning, he takes a clean cloth and plunges it in water to start cleaning around the wounds slowly, removing the blood, making sure no fibres are stuck in the raw flesh. 

 

He sees another cut in his arm, but he doesn't dare lifting him again to remove the tunic. He throws away the now crimson rag and looks for some bacta gel, which he easily finds in a small container. He applies it with great care, afraid to hurt him further. 

 

Hux swallows hard. For what he knows, he could be in a far worse state than he believes. He wipes his hands and combs back his wet hair that had fallen on his face. He’s the only one he ever cared for. 

 

His eyes linger on the irritated skin that used to be so immaculate and he bites his lip nervously. He can't lose him.

 

* * *

 

“...But it comes under you I believe, General Hux.” 

 

Hux isn’t listening. He hasn’t listened to a single word of what Mitaka has said. He looks at him, he’s clearly waiting for something, but behind his usual stern expression and annoyed eyes, Hux is worried to death.  _ I couldn’t care less _ , he wants to say.

 

“I’ll oversee it.”

 

“And what about the-”

 

“I’ll tend to it later.”  He turns on his heel without letting him the time to answer. He has had enough. Enough of waiting. Enough of playing the cold General. The fear gnawing at his guts is driving him crazy. He needs to know. 

 

After walking in long corridors and moving down a few levels, he finally reaches the door behind which Kylo Ren is. 

 

“General, Master Ren is-”

 

“Open the door.”

 

“Yes, General.”

 

“And don’t let anyone in.”  

 

“Of course, General.” 

 

Hux lets out a breath he didn’t remember holding in as he turns and slowly walks to the bed. At least he isn’t in a bacta suit anymore. He swallows hard. Removing his right glove, he lets his fingers brush the edge of the damaged skin. The shot of the crossbow. The round burn of the end of the lightsaber. The small cut on the upper arm. He stops before touching the long wound across his shoulder and face and gently strokes his left cheek instead. 

 

He jumps when a hand powerfully grabs his wrist. Kylo’s eyes are open and he stares at him. A small smile lifts the corners of his mouth when he recognises him. 

 

“Hux.” He croaks.

 

“I’m disappointed.” He starts, unable to keep a straight face. “I thought you were dead.”

 

“I couldn’t let you rule the galaxy.” He lets go of his hand and sits up. 

 

“How do you feel ?”

 

“Good.”

 

“I believe you’ll soon be able to go on missions again.”

 

“I can. They just won’t let me.” 

 

“You need more time to heal.”

 

“It’s nothing. What about Starkiller ?”

 

“Destroyed.”

 

“Rey ?”

 

“Gone.” 

 

Kylo’s features darken. “I need to be stronger.” 

 

“You almost died, Ren.” The ginger whispers, leaning over him. “What you need to be is more careful.”

 

“I’m not a child,” he growls, squinting slightly. “I can take care of myself.” 

 

“Kylo, I just-”

 

“She is dangerous. You don’t understand.”

 

“ _ I _ don’t understand ? No I’m sorry,  _ you’re _ the one that doesn’t understand.” Hux snaps. “I was terrified.” He grits his teeth. “Is this all a  _ game _ to you ?” 

 

He clenches his fists and licks his lips. He had almost forgotten how easily the Knight could wear his patience off. Of course he can’t see further than his own interests, it is not as if he almost  _ died. _

 

“Hux.” Kylo says calmly, plunging his eyes in his. “I’m here. There’s no need to worry anymore, just..” He takes his hand and draws soothing circles on the back of it. “I’m here, love.” 

 

The General rolls his eyes in annoyance. “I already told you not to call me that, and Ren I...”

 

“I’m perfectly fine.”

 

“You spent almost twelve hour in a bacta suit, I highly doubt you are.”

 

“Precautionary measures.” 

 

Hux has his scolding face; not because he is angry but because he spent a full day worrying himself sick. Yet Ren is here, alive and recovering, the man he always was, if not for the fresh scars. 

 

“Hux.”

 

The ginger hums in question.

 

“I love you.”

 

His features soften slightly. 

 

“Thank you for saving me.”

 

“It was my duty to rescue you.”

 

“It is not your duty to bother me and to sermonize me while I should be resting, yet here you are.” 

 

Hux can’t help a corner of his mouth to raise. He bends and briefly presses a kiss on his forehead.

 

“Yeah, I love you too.” 

## 


	3. There is nothing to fear but life itself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hux finally understood that he asked himself the wrong question all this time. He would never know why. But he could try to find how.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I am very sorry for all that delay, I'm very busy these days.  
> Thank you a lot for all the kind comments you left, you're all the best <3  
> Finally, hey look at the number of chapters, something magical happened ;)

Hux rubs his temples. There is no need reminiscing the past. Sitting at his desk in another restless night, he sighs and checks his datapad. 0341. He doesn’t know how many nights he had spent awake since Kylo had turned his back to him, he had stopped counting.

 

How could their embraces matter ? Their kisses ? Their hidden smiles ? Their _love_ ? How could any of this matter anymore, now that it was gone ? His heart feels heavy in his chest as a lump forms in his throat. After all, maybe Kylo Ren was right. Maybe he had to let the past die, maybe he had to kill it. So he dives back in it.

 

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

“Where’s your helmet ?”

 

Kylo shakes his head with an annoyed frown.

 

“What happened ?”

 

“Nothing.” He brushes a hand in his dark hair and sits. Hux notices the frown doesn’t go away, he knows it means that Kylo is brooding about everything Snoke has told him. It had always been like that.

 

“Don’t stay like this, my black star.” Kylo doesn’t move. “Let’s go to bed, you’ll have plenty of hours or days to think about it later.”

 

Hux gently places his hands on each of Kylo’s shoulders and starts tracing small arabesques on the skin of his neck. After a few minute, he feels the Knight relaxing and his breathing slowing down.

 

“You’re right,” Kylo finally declares, shrugging the hands off and standing up. “But you know my mind will still work faster than the speed of light.”

 

“Yes, I know.” An amused smile spreads on Hux’s face. Despite what his lover says, he knows it had never prevented him from falling asleep in a matter of minutes.

 

After slipping off his clothes, he puts on a pair of light pants and sits on the bed with his datapad, waiting for Kylo to come.

 

“I thought work could wait until tomorrow ?”

 

Hux smiles. “Sorry.” He puts the device down and lies on his back instead, observing Kylo. He watches him remove all his clothes one by one with his shoulders seemingly still stiff. The wounds are healing well but he knows his intensive training is not helping. Hux shrugs it off, the most important remains having him alive and (almost) well by his side.

 

“You look tired.” He says when the Knight finally joins him.

 

“It’s the bruise under my eye. And you look tired too.”

 

“There’s a lot of work to do, not to mention I always need to go back over Mitaka’s work. I wonder where he learnt to write a report, if he ever did.”

 

The black-haired man chuckles slightly and shakes his head. “Did you want me to come to bed only to tell me how bad he’s at work ?”

 

Hux’s mouth forms a sulky pout for a little while, and he huffs grumpily when Kylo takes him in his arms.

 

“How’s this ?”

 

He can hear the smile in his voice and he nudges him gently. “Yeah, I guess this is fine too.”

 

“Good night then, love.”

 

“Good night, my black star.”

 

Hux closes his eyes. He is not sleepy yet -it might take an hour or two - but he feels himself relax slowly. There’s nowhere else he would rather be.

 

* * *

 

 

“You wanted to see me, Supreme Leader ?” Hux takes a final step and puts a knee down.

 

“General Hux...” He almost forgot how much he loathed his honeyed voice. “I heard you had a mission to give to Kylo Ren.”

 

“Yes, Supreme Leader.”

 

“It is cancelled. He came to me and asked me to train him further.”

 

“But Supre-”

 

“Do not interfere with my disciple’s destiny, General Hux.”

 

The ginger nods briskly and turns around to leave. He is furious. Of course he can’t change Snoke’s plans, he swore to do everything that was in his power to help the First Order, but he hates having his schedule destroyed and his day, not to say his whole week, ruined. Couldn’t Kylo tell him earlier that he wanted to train rather than go on a mission ? He sighs. He knows there’s no need being mad at Snoke or Ren or anyone else: it won’t make work and disorder magically disappear.

 

* * *

 

 

“You didn’t tell me you wanted to train ?” Hux mumbles when he finally sits in bed.

 

“What ?” The Knight frowns.

 

“With Snoke.”

 

“What do you mean ?”

 

“He called me today, told me you asked him to train. I had to change everything I had planned.”

 

“I didn’t ask him that.”

 

A confused expression settles on Hux’s features. “Yet that’s what he told me.”

 

“Training could have waited, but he made it clear that I had no other choice than to accept his offer.”

 

“Then why would he tell me that ?”

 

“I don’t know. I’ll ask tomorrow.”

 

Hux nods. He knew better than to question Snoke’s orders directly.

 

* * *

 

 

“You let the whole division die ?” Kylo storms in the room, infuriated.

 

“They were ambushed.”

 

“ _You_ sent them in that trap !”

 

“I was ordered to.”

 

“How it is you didn’t see anything ? Aren’t you the General ? You should be able to recognise an ambush when you see one, don’t you think ?”

 

“Kylo, stop. I tried to save them. Phasma helped me find a weak spot and we almost saved a dozen fighters.”

 

“Yes, _almost._ ”

 

“What’s wrong with you tonight ? You seemed perfectly fine earlier.”

 

“You sent those men to death. Knowingly. That’s what’s wrong with me.”

 

“I advised against it, but Supreme Leader Snoke was persuaded it would work.”

 

“Snoke trusted you to succeed.”

 

“I am the _General_ , I can’t fight nor help when I’m stuck here in the Supremacy. Stop blaming me, Snoke’s the one who should have known better than to blindly send a full unit.”

 

Kylo Ren squints with a bitter expression on his face before turning away and leaving the room. Hux can’t believe Ren out of all people is the one on Snoke’s side.

 

* * *

 

 

Hux paces on the bridge, he’s waiting for orders: where to go, what to prepare, who to fight. When Snoke finally calls for him, he is almost off duty. The sound of his boots hitting the floor echoes in the long corridors and he takes a deep breath before entering the throne room.

 

“You wanted to see me, Supreme Leader ?”

 

“Kylo Ren’s training is what matters the most.”

 

“Of course, Supreme Leader.”

 

“Which is why he will not be seeing you off duty anymore.”

 

Hux clenches his teeth. “If it is necessary, then so be it, Supreme Leader.”

 

“I also provided him with a new room. You will no longer share your private chambers with him and nobody, including _you_ , is allowed in this new room. Did I make myself clear ?”

 

Hux's throat closes. “Yes, Supreme Leader.”

 

“You may leave.”

 

Hux stands and bows before leaving in quick strides. Did Kylo agree to all that ? He must have. What wouldn’t he do to finish his training, anyway ? He hears the leather of his gloves squeak when he clenches his fists. He swallows hard. It’s only a matter of time, he tries to convince himself. It won’t last forever, will it ?

 

* * *

 

 

“Oh and before you leave, Captain Phasma...”

 

“Yes, sir ?”

 

“If you see Kylo Ren, please tell him I asked for him.”

 

“I will, General.”

 

She turns and leaves the bridge. Hux clasps his hands in his back. He needs to talk to Kylo, no matter what it will cost him.

 

Surprisingly enough, it doesn’t take more than an hour or two before the Knight comes to him. Hux thought his training would keep him busy all day, he thought Snoke forbade him to leave before he was finished with anything he was doing at the moment. So he tells him to follow him and they silently walk along empty corridors until they reach a quiet place.

 

“How is your training going ?”

 

“Good.” Something in his tone is wrong, but Hux can’t quite put a finger on it.

 

“Will it be over soon ?”

 

“No. I still have a lot to learn.” Maybe it is the way his eyes seem to avoid his, his stiff moves or his aloof attitude. So Hux swallows his pride and reaches for him.

 

“I miss you.” He breathes out.

 

Kylo shifts, seemingly uncomfortable. “Yeah…”

 

His cold answer makes Hux’s blood freeze in his veins. He pinches his lips.

 

“Well. I guess you’re too busy to care for me.” He hates the sound of it, he hates his pleading tone, he hates lowering himself to be this needy.

 

Kylo finally dares looking at him, but Hux doesn’t find any disdain in his eyes, he only finds pain.

 

“You refused to see me so many times that I stopped counting.”

 

He frowns, confused. “You didn’t ask to see me.”

 

“I did.”

 

“Snoke forbade me to see you.”

 

“Snoke agreed to let me have anything I needed to train in perfect conditions. Stop lying.”

 

“He took you away and told me not to interfere with your training. He’s the one lying to you.”

 

“Don’t you think it’s funny how Snoke grants me everything I wish for, but you’re still the only thing I can’t get because you simply don’t want to have anything to do with me anymore ?”

 

Hux notices Kylo’s bottom lip is trembling, meaning rage is building up in him. But he should be the one to be angry, to feel betrayed. It’s not him who suddenly left because he had more important things to do.

 

“Do you really think I would refuse to spend any minute with you ?”

 

“You once told me you were ready to do anything for power, right ? So I guessed you couldn’t turn down this _Grand Marshal_  offer.”

 

Hux’s frowns deepens as his mouth opens in surprise. “What ?” He hates the accusing gaze Kylo is casting on him. Before he has the time to say anything more, Ren is turning around and walking away. He wants to grab his hand and tell him he’s sorry, but his dignity screams to him not to apologize for something he hasn’t done. So he watches him go with a knot in his stomach.

 

* * *

 

 

 _Hux_.

 

The ginger starts awake, he’s drenched in sweat and his heart is beating hard in his chest. He blinks slowly a few times. It has been cycles since he last had a nightmare. He can’t remember it, to his relief. He sits up and takes deep breaths to calm him heart before standing up to grab a glass of water. A flash of pain drills in his brain and he winces to it.

 

“Now that’s new…” He mumbles to himself.

 

When he lies back down, he unconsciously turns on his side and moves toward the center of the bed, half-reaching for a body he perfectly knows isn’t here anymore. A weary sigh escapes him as he forces himself to turn around instead of burying his nose in the cold pillow on which Kylo’s scent is getting fainter and fainter.

 

He takes his datapad half-heartedly and opens a report he received earlier. If he can’t sleep, at least he can work.

 

* * *

 

 

He can’t focus. Something in his mind keeps disturbing him. Every time he is about to give an order, the words slip from his grasp and he has to close his mouth before speaking to remember what he had to say.

 

“Is everything alright, General ?”

 

Hux turns towards Mitaka. “Yes, why ?”

 

“With all due respect, it’s the third time today that you forget what you had to tell me in the middle of your sentence, sir.”

 

“Ah.” Hux says, hoping his face isn’t reddening too much in shame. “I didn’t mean to waste your time. Go back to work, I’ll send my instructions directly to your datapad.”

 

The man nods and goes back to where he came from. Hux rubs his face and straightens his jacket to regain composure. He can’t let his mind drift like this.

 

_Hux._

 

He turns his head in the direction of the sound, but nobody’s there. The lack of sleep is probably taking its toll on him.

 

* * *

 

 

_Hux._

 

He jumps.The voice is stronger than before. A spike of pain tears his skull in half and he grits his teeth not to shout. He blinks a few times to chase the dark spots in his vision. As intense as it was, the pain is already fading away. He is getting used to it. After all, for three weeks on now he has been interrupted by it.

 

_Hux._

 

A cold shiver runs down his spine. It is his father’s voice. He recognises it now. He doesn’t like it. He swallows and sits back. Another flash of pain. The more he feels it, the more it feels like something is squeezing his brain, like an insidious hand. He brushes his fingers through his hair and focuses on breathing. He had never experienced anything like this before.

 

_Hux._

 

The word resonates in his head painfully. It sounds like Kylo’s voice now. He snorts: is this how he becomes insane ?

 

* * *

 

 

Hux is kneeling next to Kylo.

 

“General Hux.” Snoke starts. “How was your night ?”

 

“I beg your pardon, Supreme Leader ?”

 

“Did you sleep well ?”

 

Hux takes a discreet look at Kylo to see if he shares his confusion, but his face is neutral.

 

“I did not sleep, Supreme Leader.”

 

“Did you appreciate the Force ?”

 

“What do you mean ?”

 

“I believe Kylo Ren showed you what he could do with the Force.”

 

It all clicks in place. The voice calling his name. Hux winces as something seems to wrap around his brain.

 

“Yes, this. You feel it, don’t you ?”

 

His ears ring as the grasp loosens and disappears.

 

“Tell me now, young apprentice, what did you see ?”

 

“Shame. Fear. Pain.”

 

Hux stares at Kylo in disbelief. He used the Force to search his mind. He wants to say something but the words are stuck in his closed throat. He used the Force against his own _lover_. Did he even consider him like his lover anymore ?

 

“What is he afraid of ?”

 

Kylo quickly glances at him before staring at the floor again.

 

“Me.”

 

“Good. Leave us alone, now, General.”

 

Hux leaves without further ado and goes back to the bridge. He feels sick. Used. Betrayed. He knew Snoke had never appreciated him, but Kylo Ren. Kylo Ren used to love him. To respect him. He swallows through the knot in his throat. He should have stayed focused on power, he had always been bad at emotional games. He played and he lost. He curses under his breath. _Stupid_ , oh how stupid he was. What did he think ? That Kylo Ren was going to give up his desire to rule only to live happily ever after with him ? He bites the inside of his cheek. Of course he would use him to-

 

He needs to stop. He has to focus. The Supremacy and its destroyers won’t command themselves alone.

 

It is only after a few hours that Hux dares taking a break. Keeping his mind busy has done wonders. He goes back to his quarters in hope to take a quick shower. He remembers spending hours under the stream of water back home to let it wash away everything. Maybe it will work this time too.

 

“Finally.”

 

Hux flinches when he enters his room. Kylo is there. His heart feels like it weighs tons.

 

“What do you want ?”

 

“We need to talk.”

 

“Do we ? I thought what you did was pretty self-explanatory.”

 

“I had no other choice.”

 

“No other choice ? Kylo you..” He feels his eyes welling up with tears and he hates himself for it.

 

“He’s the only one that can help me become stronger.”

 

“He uses you.”

 

“Like he used you by promising he would promote you ?” The Knight spits like he’s on the defensive.

 

“He never-”

 

“You never came to apologize to me when the Grand Marshal title was on the table, did you ?” He shakes his head and mechanically starts pacing. “I’ve been kind enough to lie and tell him you were scared of me and-”

 

“Yeah thank you.” Hux’s sadness morphs into a dull anger. “I’m sure he hasn’t already scanned your whole brain to find my weaknesses and use them to gain your trust and destroy me.”

 

Hux can almost feel the blood boiling in Kylo’s veins. He doesn’t care.

 

“Do you really think I’m scared of you ? You’re a despicable, conceited coward and he’s using you to get what he wants !” He regrets his words as soon as he closes his mouth. Kylo’s eyes darken as his features contort into a pained, furious snarl.

 

“You should be.”  

 

With a simple move of his hand, Hux is thrown against the closest wall. He collapses on the floor and coughs before looking up to the man he thought he knew. Ren’s hand slowly forms a u-shape and he feels his windpipe close before the extended hand falls back at his side and the pressure disappears. Hux scans his face, looking for something, _anything_ that would prove him the Kylo Ren he loves is still in there, but his eyes are dark empty pits where he doesn’t see himself anymore.

 

An eternity seems to pass until the Knight decides to leave. The tension in Hux body evaporates and he finally allows himself to breathe freely. He brushes his throat with trembling fingers. He didn’t know Kylo could do this. He didn’t know he _would_ do this. Hux swallows and stands up, only then he realises not only his hands, but his whole body is shaking. He sighs.

 

* * *

 

 

Hux is trying to read in his bed, but it feels like he’s reading the same line over and over again. He tried to forget what has happened the week before, but his mind keeps going back to it. To how easily he had been sent to the wall. To how in less than a second he could not breathe anymore. He tries to lie to himself, to persuade himself that he isn’t afraid of Kylo, but he knows, he _feels_ that his guts are twisted in fear. He dreads the day when he will have to face him again. What can he do with his monomolecular blade and blaster against a Force-sensitive lightsaber bearer ?

 

He rubs his temples and forces himself not to think about it. He knows he can’t do anything about it. He throws his datapad aside. He isn’t sure why - maybe because he already spent fifteen hours non-stop on the bridge, or maybe because he knows he won’t be able to focus - but for once he doesn’t feel like working. He wants to rest, physically of course, but most of all mentally. His brain just won’t stop harassing him while still being useless. He can’t focus, he can’t sleep, all he can do is mull over what happened.

 

So he taps on his datapad and closes his eyes. A soft melody fills the air and chases away the thick silence that usually accompany his nights. Arkanis might not be famous for its novels, but it has pleasant music.

 

A noise disturbs him. He reopens his eyes. To his surprise, the time tells him he slept three hours. He stops the music and slides his hands behind his head, gaze lost in the ceiling in reflexion. A creak comes from the door and he lifts himself on his elbows. There’s a crash and the plasteel panel slides open. Kylo Ren puts his lightsaber back in his belt and walks in in determined steps.

 

“What are you doing here ?” Hux fights the tight knot of fear and sadness that forms in his throat.

 

“You changed the code.”

 

“Why are you here, Kylo ?”

 

Without answering, the Knight lets his cape fall on the floor and starts undoing his tunic. Hux frowns.

 

“Please, leave.” Unconsciously, he pushes himself away from him, until he hits the wall. He knows this look too well, for he had the chance to see it almost every night before. It drips hunger. Lust. But unlike before, there is no tenderness. No love.

 

“Kylo..” He starts, swallowing hard.

 

“Don’t be afraid.” He mumbles as he crawls on the bed, eyes locked in his. “You’ll enjoy it too.”

 

Panic starts to seep in Hux. The more Kylo approaches, the more he feels trapped. He darts a look to his coat that he left on a chair, his mono-blade is in it.

 

“Don’t even think about it.”

 

He turns back to him. His massive body is almost on his now. He can’t let it happen. With a swift move, he sits up and almost stands before Kylo’s powerful hand grabs his arm and pulls him back.

 

“Kylo please don’t.” He has a hard time breathing.

 

Kylo Ren pins him on his back and sits on his lap despite his protests. Hux squirms under him and he feels his body reacting. He hates it. Kylo palms his crotch and he struggles, freeing his arm and trying to push him, to make him fall. The blood pumping in his ears is deafening, his lungs hurt from the small amount of air he breathes in.

 

“Stop fighting.” He says before leaning and kissing him.

 

Hux turns away from the kiss and pushes on Kylo’s broad chest in vain. The black-haired man takes his wrists and pins them above his head with one hand while the other pushes Hux’s shirt up. He tries to squirm away from the wet kisses Kylo puts on his jaw and neck, only to rub himself against him unintentionally. He wants to cry. Why is he aroused ? He never wanted it, he wants Kylo to leave him alone. He struggles harder and finally frees his arms, which he immediately uses to forcefully shove Kylo away. The Knight stops and straightens slowly, fury glowing in his eyes. A cold shiver runs down Hux’s spine.

 

“Please,” he whines, “please stop.”

 

Ren wraps his hand around Hux’s throat tight, not quite enough to make him choke, but firmly enough to make sure he won’t move. Hux mechanically grabs his arm in panic. With his free hand, Kylo reaches for something the General can’t see, and he immediately recognises the all-too-familiar sound of his unstable lightsaber. He feels the heat emanating of it moving as Kylo brings it closer. He tries to move away from it, but Kylo’s grasp won’t let him budge.

 

“I told you to stop fighting.” The Knight snarls. “If you won’t be docile, I’ll make you obey.”

 

Hux is about to beg him to stop when the heat suddenly transforms into a line of scorching pain. He yells.

 

“Please,” he sobs when the lightsaber is far enough not to burn him again, “please stop.” He feels tears rolling down the sides of his face. “Please Kylo, please.”

 

“Snoke was right.” He spits as the turns the weapon off and throws it carelessly on the bed. “You’re nothing more than a weak cur blinded by power. You destroyed everything.” He squints his eyes in pain. “So I will destroy you.”

 

He removes his hand from his throat and forcefully turns him on his stomach. Hux cries out in pain when the burnt skin touches the mattress and he clutches the sheet to stop himself from moving. He knows now that he stands no chance against him. He wants to fight, but he knows there’s no point trying. So he clenches his teeth and endures.

 

Kylo’s moves are almost tender, as if he was trying to make it bearable for him. As if he remembered what they were before he lost his mind over power. Hux squeezes his eyes shut harder at this thought to keep the tears in. He won’t cry, not again. Not for _him_. What is he to him now anyway ? His superior ? Another third in their triumvirate with Snoke ? The Master of the Knights of Ren ? Yet his mind screams to him what he is, what he was to him: his lover.

 

Where his hands sit roughly, they used to be gentle. Where he bites, he used to kiss. Hux’s heart drops. He can’t cry, not again.

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

Hux swallows hard. His heart throbs. He shouldn’t have reminisced the past. He slowly traces the long burn scar that goes from above his armpit to below his pectoral. He wishes he could forget it all happened. He wishes Kylo had listened to him instead of following his said master. What would he have done in Kylo’s place ? When all that power was given to him without anything to give in return. What would he have done for the Grand Marshal title ? For the Fleet Admiral title ? For the _Emperor_ title ?

 

He shakes his head and checks his datapad. 0512.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading !  
> As I wrote, I noticed writing all I wanted in a chapter was impossible. This one is already longer than expected, so you're in for another one ! I promise I'll do my best not to post it too late !


	4. Fear has its use, but cowardice has none

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hours after hours, days after days, weeks after weeks, Hux had tried to kill the love he had for Kylo Ren. In vain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks a lot to everyone who left a kudo and a comment.   
> Here we are at the final chapter, I hope you'll enjoy it !

The commanding shuttle landed in a vast clearing on Yaga Minor where the First Order’s AT-ATs and soldiers were already fighting. Some officers had set up a camp and he immediately identified which tent was Phasma’s. Hux turned towards Kylo.

 

“Supreme Leader, our troops are gaining ground slowly. I advise we assess the situation before-”

 

“I’ll fight.”

 

Hux closes his mouth in annoyment. “As you wish, Supreme Leader, but maybe you should…” His words die on his tongue at the harsh expression on Kylo’s face. He swallows hard: he learnt the hard way not to discuss what Ren wanted to do on the battlefield. “Yes, Supreme Leader. I’ll meet with Captain Phasma to see if there is a way to progress faster.”

 

Kylo nods briefly and Hux is about to leave, but he notices how he looks at him, so he stops and waits. Soon, the Force-user leads him outside where no one back in the shuttle can hear them.

 

“You will walk me to my tent tonight, I believe, General Hux ?”

 

Hux’s jaw muscle clenches mechanically and he has to force himself to relax. “Of course, Ky- Supreme Leader.”

 

Kylo Ren watches him intensely but doesn't move for a few seconds. He then turns around and walks back in the shuttle. Hux sighs as a wave of relief washes over him. He can't help but remember the battle of Crait, how Ren mercilessly threw him on a wall in front of  _ his _ soldiers. There has never been something Hux loathed as much as being the laughing stock of the people surrounding him. He already hated it when his father made fun of him - his bastard son-  in front of their prestigious guests, but  _ this _ was an utter humiliation. He was supposed to be an example, a figure of power for his men, not a stupid puppet. 

 

He groans and tries to forget it as he approaches the commanding tent. When he opens the curtains and slides in, Phasma is bent over a droid. 

 

“General,” she says without looking at him. Her helmet is sitting on a corner of the table. Her short blonde hair is damp and covers some of her face. She’s frowning as she repairs the droid, the scar over her eye only deepening it. In the end, Hux think, she’s the closest thing to a friend he has. 

 

“How’re things going ?” He asks casually. He has long discarded formal manners with her.

 

“Not too bad.” She says as she straightens and finally looks at him. “But not too good either.” 

 

“Tell me more ?” He takes a chair and sits with a sigh as she proceeds to explain to him the details of the battle. 

 

“And well, now the droid won’t show the map anymore. Or maybe…” She closes something on it and turns it on. It beeps and she asks it to project the map she left in it before gently putting it on the ground. It moves to the center of the tent and soon enough projects the holomap of the battlefield. 

 

Phasma smiles. “Good.”  

 

The tiniest of smiles lifts the corners of Hux’s mouth. At least she’s not entirely unhappy with being here. 

 

“Where’s Ren ?”

 

“Wanted to fight. I had planned to come here with him to see what was done and what was left to do but…” He vaguely waves at the tent’s entrance. 

 

“Well.” She sits beside him. “At least he won’t burn the whole tent down because the droid had an issue.”

 

Hux chuckles. Oh how did he miss peaceful moments like this when he doesn’t have to be careful about his every move. He combs his fingers in his hair and listens as she tells him where she thinks would be best to attack next. 

 

After what he guesses was an hour or so, he stands up and grabs his blaster as she puts her helmet back on.

 

“And don’t forget, General, a day here is twenty-three hours long. Sun is up at four in the morning and sets at ten in the evening.” 

 

He nods. “I won’t, Captain Phasma.” He makes sure his mononuclear blade is still attached to his belt and adjusts his coat. “I’ll be back here when the night falls. Kylo might be in sector 2, so this is where you’ll find me if anything happens.”

 

“Alright sir.”

 

As he exits the tent, a small number of stormtoopers jog past him, blaster in hand, certainly joining the rest of their division, Hux notes. He steps quickly to where he guessed the Knight went and immediately starts shooting at rebels. As he hides behind a tree, he thinks about why they came here for. Old files about old things, old pieces of ship and yagaian galactic technology. If he wasn’t busy fighting, he would roll his eyes. 

 

He quickly turns and shoots the man in front of him. They didn’t need their technology. They had the best ship manufacturers, they even paid them  _ generously _ , to say the least. They didn’t need these blueprints or whatever it was Kylo seeked here. 

 

He curses as he dodges and hides back behind the large tree. All this for the sake of the Empire. They weren’t the Empire, by the Stars. The Empire was dead and they wouldn’t make the same mistakes. He shoots again and takes down another opponent. All this because Kylo Ren is obsessed with Darth Vader.

 

Hux draws his mono-blade as he hears someone running. After a mere second or two, he  jumps back and shoots in the leg of the man. As he collapses on the ground, the General buries the blade in his chest forcefully and watches his last twitches. He licks his dry lips and walks further, focused on every sound, every move around him. The adrenaline coursing through his veins makes him feel alert, but he knows he won’t be able to fight all day. He barely ate the day before, he didn’t sleep at all. He swallows thickly. His body started protesting about a week before and he began to have bouts of dizziness on the bridge and light nausea.

 

He tried eating and sleeping more, of course he did. He snorts. Or so he tells himself. He stops and leans on the trunk of a thin tree, raising his blaster and steadying his arm. Two men collapse as he shoots twice. Of course he tried, he even went to bed earlier than usual. He shoots another one down. Yet he fails at pushing the thought out of his mind. Yes, he went to bed earlier, to a bed that reminded him of Kylo, that smelled less and less like Kylo, and he would rather shoot himself in the head than admit it killed him to have his scent disappear day after day. Of course he couldn’t sleep when all he could think about was Kylo, over and over again,  _ Kylo Kylo Kylo _ . 

 

He grits his teeth. He doesn’t have the time to brood over this again. Not here and then when he could be killed. He snorts again. As if it mattered, as if his life didn’t already end when Kyl- He curses under his breath. He needs to stop. 

 

He takes a deep breath and blinks a few time. He’s in charge, he can’t die and let everyone down. His army needs him. So he goes forward again and finds another spot to settle and kill a handful of their enemies. Hidden in the shadows between the trees thanks to his black coat, it is almost too easy-

 

“General !” 

 

Hux turns around and jumps down on his side brutally, barely avoiding the mono-blade of his opponent. The familiar buzzing of a Z6 riot control baton makes him raise his head as the man falls, incapacitated. As Phasma shoots him in the head, Hux stands back up, his heart pounding in his chest.

 

“Thank you.” He huffs.

 

“Good thing I was done in sector 1.”

 

Hux can’t see it, but he hears her smile through the chrome helmet. 

 

“Why do you bother carrying a Z6 ?”

 

“You’re wounded.”

 

As if telling him awoke the pain, Hux feels his skin prickle in a thin line of fire from his cheek to his ear. 

 

“Nothing too bad, I didn’t even feel it.” He wipes his face with the back of his gloved hand. 

 

She nods. “Riot control batons are useful.” She makes it spin in her hand and deactivates the conductor vanes. “Especially when it comes to lightsabers.” 

 

Hux forces a chuckle out. “I certainly hope there is no lightsaber in this battle.” He turns back to where he was headed and starts walking again. “Come,” he says, “let’s help them.” 

 

As they shoot their way through people and defend their men, Hux notices a body near a path in the grass. Fighting with his blade as well as his blaster, he clears the way and slowly but surely follows it. As he goes further and further, bodies seem to pile up. He stops next to one to examine it: charred skin when the arm was cut, neat hole burnt through the chest. Kylo can’t be far, now. His stubbornness would kill him one day. If he thought a lightsaber and the Force were enough to defeat a whole army… 

 

But as Hux continues walking, he can’t help but note how many corpses lay on the ground. He briefly turns around to check on Phasma, but everything seems to go well, she doesn’t seem to struggle -he could even tell by her way of moving that she is almost bored. 

 

Embers are still glowing on the trunks Kylo hit while fighting, but Hux is feeling worse and worse. There shouldn’t be that much bodies, he shouldn’t have fought them all alone. He should be hearing the awful sound of his lightsaber. He walks faster. He needs to know, he needs to find him. 

 

As he walks -runs, almost- he approaches a zone where several trees are cut down, their stump still burning. He is about to step over one when he sees it. There, on the ground, a cross-like burnt shape around it. Kylo’s lightsaber. His breath hitches as his heart rate drastically increase, panic flowing in him. 

 

He steps across another tree and-

 

“By the Stars…” 

 

Kylo Ren is lying on the floor, on his back, seemingly trying to get up. The air seems to leave his lungs when he  _ truly _ sees him. His tunic is gone and with it, the armored sleeves. His undershirt is burnt in several places, just like both his arms. His right forearm is covered in cuts from which blood still spills in crimson rivulets. A large wound on one of his leg makes it look like he can’t stand. Hux can’t see his face well with his black hair sticked to it, but judging by the blood covering his neck, he probably is hurt there too. 

 

He forces air in and holds on to a tree for support. He feels weak,  _ way  _ too weak. The nausea comes back as well as the dizziness. He wants to curse. It can’t happen now. He takes ragged breaths for a while, until his vision comes back to normal and his head stops spinning. Only then he realises Kylo is watching him, still trying to get up.

 

Hux draws his blaster. His hand, what is he saying, his  _ whole arm _ is shaking. He swallows hard through a dry throat. The blood rushing in his ears makes it hard for him to focus on the surrounding sounds.

 

“Hux..” Kylo’s voice is hoarse.

 

“Don’t move.” He warns. He wants his tone to be cruel, but he knows he can’t fool him.

 

“You…” He licks his lips penibly. “You are wounded.”

 

Hux almost snorts. What the hell does he think he is doing ? “Shut up.”

 

“Don’t talk to me like that,” he croaks with difficulty. “I’ll crush you if I need to.” Kylo raises his hand and Hux feels the unpleasant, invading hand of the Force wrapping around his brain. But this time, it isn’t painful. It isn’t unbearable. Is is  _ weak, so weak _ . He can even feel it back away as he fights against it. 

 

“I am your Supreme Leader,” he spits, “you owe me respect.” 

 

“I owe you nothing, Ren.” 

 

The Knight’s eyes widen as he finally understands. He is in too bad a state to manipulate the Force as he wishes. He rushes to grab his lightsaber on the ground next to him, but finds it gone. Hux detects panic in his brown eyes when he lifts them up to him again. It takes him everything he has not to drop to his knees and help him. 

 

“Do you remember, Kylo ?” He asks while undoing his jacket and stretching his undershirt. “Do you remember this ?” He asks again, pointing at the long scar on his chest.

 

The Force-user only looks at him, fear lighting up in his eyes. 

 

“Do you ?” He asks louder, tightening his grip on the blaster.

 

“I remember.” He admits. 

 

“Were you proud of yourself ?” Angry tears are making Hux’s vision blurry, so he blinks them away. “How was it, to rape me like my father did ?”

 

“Hux it wasn’t-”

 

“Wasn’t it ?” He sits on one of the fallen trees. “Then tell me, what was it ? Love ? Did you force me to take your cock because you  _ loved  _ me ? Is that what it was ?” 

 

Kylo painfully drags himself away from him

 

“I said don’t move.” Hux watches him intensely. “Was it love..” His voice breaks in pain. “When you entered my head with the Force ? Is that what it was ? When you delivered all my secrets to Snoke ? When you continued to violate my mind, knowing I was in pain ? Was all this because you loved me ?”

 

“Will you…” Kylo starts before coughing violently, blood splattering his lips. “Will you listen to me ?”

 

Hux waits without answering, throat too tight to say anything. 

 

“Snoke was the only way for me to become stronger.” The spark of hate comes back in his brown orbs. “And it is what he did, he taught me how. He forced me to train, night and day, to make me stronger. He gave me new chambers because he knew you were a threat, he knew you were only making me  _ weak _ .” He spits the last word. 

 

“But once I was better, once I had wiped any trace of light in me,” he continues, “he let me have whatever I needed. All I had to do was ask, and he would fulfill my wish.”

 

“He lied.”

 

“He didn’t. I had everything I wanted. But when I asked to see you, you always were on a mission or too busy. And then…” Kylo licks his lips again. “Then I asked him to summon you. But he told me that you were working on that mission that would grant you the Grand Marshal title.”

 

“You lie.”

 

“It’s the truth. And I understood, Hux. I understood you weren’t different. You were looking for power, you had it, all you had to do was drive me away from your life so you could finally embrace your destiny.”

 

“You lie.” He says again, quieter than he wanted.

 

“You threw me away for a military title.” Kylo snarls. “What is it that bothered you, Hux ? That I was more powerful than you ? That I had powers you will never have ?”

 

“Snoke never promoted me Grand Marshal, he lied to you.”

 

“Of course he didn’t. He only needed you to keep his hands clean and you fell right into his trap. It made me understand that you never cared for me. All you sought after was power, and what a better way to find some than using  _ me _ ?”

 

Despite his diminished state, Hux’s guts still twist in fear of Kylo. He wants to leave. So he shuts the screaming voice in his head and speaks again.  “Is it why you used the Force on me ?”

 

“I did it because I was ordered to.”

 

“I am- I was your lover, Kylo.” His voice sounds needy. He doesn’t even care.

 

“What kind of lover were you to use me for your own interests ? I had nothing to lose. I had already lost you and…” Ren’s eyes seem to fill with pain as his hateful wince eases. “And you were the only thing I ever feared losing.”

 

Hux’s heart drops. The bastard, he has no right to say that. No right to use his feelings. No right to turn them against him. Once more, he fight the urge to apologize and forget it all. 

 

“So I did as I was told. I had no other choice, Snoke wouldn’t have let me disobey. And he was right, it helped me develop a strength I never thought I had. It made me understand the Force wasn’t finite.”

 

“I loved you.” Hux whimpers. He still loves him. He hates himself for it. Hours after hours, days after days, weeks after weeks, he had tried to kill the love he had for Kylo Ren. In vain. 

 

“You have  _ no idea _ how much I loved you, Hux.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

“ _ No idea _ how it pained me to see you drift away from me slowly. It tore me apart.” 

 

“Shut up !” He yells. “You lie, you’re nothing more than the manipulative fruit of Snoke’s will !”  

 

“And when you dared call me a coward…” The Knight raises a trembling hand and brushes his sweat and blood soaked hair back and away from his face. “I suffered through Snoke’s training only because I thought in the end you would be here. I thought It was my destiny to rule beside you. With Luke and Rey dead, with you as my General, we would have been invincible. But…” Kylo wants to move his leg but only winces in pain. 

 

“Was it necessary ?” Hux chokes out. “Did you have to do  _ this _ to me ? Every other day ?” 

 

“I never wanted this, Hux.”

 

“Yet you did it.”

 

“You could have enjoyed it. You did before.” 

 

“I used to enjoy it before you forced me to do it.” He spits. He can’t believe Kylo is telling him this.

 

“I wanted you to be mine.” It leaves Kylo’s lips in a soft whisper as he looks at the scar. “I wanted you back.” His voice breaks. “I needed you.”

 

“So you forced me to be here ?” Hux asks in a strangled sob.

 

Silence stretches between them as the dark-haired man stares at him.

 

“I did.” Two tears spill on the Knights cheeks when he slowly blinks. “I couldn’t get you to love me anymore, so I forbade myself to love you.” He coughs again and he pauses a moment. His features lost their fury, they are now resting, highlighting the feelings his eyes can’t hide.

 

“I’m sorry, Hux. So sorry.”

 

Hux clutches the bark of the tree as everything clicks in place. He can’t breathe. He’s drowning. 

 

Of course it was Snoke. How could he miss it ? How blind was he to miss it ? He wants to scream. It was Snoke who took him away. Snoke who lied to Kylo about him. Snoke who lied to him about Kylo. Snoke who got into Kylo’s brain through his training. Of course it was.

 

Snoke cut the ties between them, he gave Ren a purpose, he put himself in the role of a master. He cut Kylo from the outside and set him against Hux. And of course, when Rey killed him, it was already too late. 

 

He feels sick. Everything is spinning. He closes his eyes and reopens it when a loud cry echoes between the trees. Only then he notices it came from him. Only then he notices he’s heavily sobbing. He wants to tear his heart out, he can’t stand the pain anymore. 

 

The blaster shakes dangerously in his trembling hand. 

 

“Please.”

 

Hux looks back at him, it feels like he’s seeing him for the first time again. The dark hair, the fair skin, the muscled body. The dirt and sweat in his hair, the blood on his perfect white skin, the bruises starting to form on his arms. He looks down on himself. How could he let it all happen ? All the pain came from him. The loss, the treason, everything. It all came from Ren. From his blind thirst for power. Snoke didn’t make him rape him, he wasn’t even there anymore when he started  _ degrading  _ him more and more often. He clenches his teeth. Now he has the power to make it all stop. Right here, in the palm of his hand.

 

“Please,” he repeats. “Help me.” 

 

The voice takes him out of his thoughts and he inspects him again. The usually silky black strands sticked together. The moles he loved so much hidden under a crimson veil. The skin he once saw flawless heavily damaged. It takes him back to the collapse of Starkiller base. The torn fabric, the burnt skin. It used to be different, then, before Snoke slithered in his mind and bewitched him. 

 

“Please.”

 

Hux lowers his gaze on his blaster and unsteady hand. He swallows through a closed throat and focuses his eyes back on Kylo. His heart screams to let him back in. His brain screams to kill him. He doesn’t know who to blame anymore. Wasn’t it Snoke that corrupted him ? Wasn’t he the one who set them up against each other ? He whimpers. But  _ Kylo _ beat him.  _ Kylo _ raped him. He didn’t need the help of any Supreme Leader to destroy him, body and soul. 

 

He feels dizzy again. His stomach churns. A bead of sweat rolls down the side of his face, burning as it slides on the irritated skin of the cut. His shallow breathing won’t allow enough air in his lungs. If he doesn’t take control on himself soon, he knows he will pass out. So he stands on unsteady legs despite the protests of his racing heart.

 

He casts a glance at the blaster again, at his arm threatening to falter under its weight, his finger on the trigger.  And at Kylo again, at his trembling bottom lip, at the despair and pain in his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for bearing with me until the end !   
> I hope you enjoyed it all and that it met your expectations !  
> Thanks for reading


	5. When all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I promised, here is one of the two endings this story needed. Feel free to read only one or to read them both !  
> If you think he did it, this chapter is for you. If you think he didn't, you may want to read the other one first.  
> It took me some time to write them, but here they are, I hope you'll enjoy them !

 

 

 

He casts a glance at the blaster again, at his arm threatening to falter under its weight, his finger on the trigger. And at Kylo again, at the despair in his eyes, his trembling bottom lip.

 

He knows what to do. He had always known.

 

He pulls the trigger.

 

His eyes close immediately and he only hears the weight of Kylo’s upper body hitting the ground. Before he knows it, his knees buckle under him and he falls, the blaster clattering on the hard trunk. Now on all fours, he reopens his eyes and waits, powerless, as the world spins. His ragged breaths are the only sounds disturbing the silence. His chest heaves and he puts a hand on his heart, afraid it will jump out. He can’t tear his eyes off the soil, doesn’t want to. His gloved hand clutches at the hard ground for support.

 

He doesn’t know how long he stays there, fighting not to lose consciousness. He only snaps out of his daze as Phasma heads toward his location. He can hear the crackling of the Z6 and her loud voice guiding their men, so he gathers enough strength to straighten a little and close his jacket and forces himself to breathe slower. He can’t let her see him like this.

 

He’s barely on his knees when she calls out to him. She jogs to him and stops abruptly. She mutters a curse her helmet muffles.

 

“What happened ?”

 

Hux huffs as he finally sits on the trunk again.

 

“They killed him.” He forces the words through a tight, dry throat. “When I arrived it was already too late.”

 

He finally dares looking at him. He shot perfectly. A knot forms in his stomach and he struggles to stay calm. Kylo Ren is lying in the grass, face relaxed, his hair forming a dark halo around his head. If not for the small fibers of his undershirt still burning, he would appear asleep. Hux suppresses the wave of guilt that washes over him. Phasma’s voice brings him back to reality.

 

“How should we call you now, sir ?”

 

“General. I’ll see on the ship how to…” He clears his throat. “You know what I mean, Captain.”

 

She nods and her face stays turned to him for a bit too long. Of course she noticed the edge of the fabric still glowing. Sooner or later, she’ll know. But he would have time to deal with that another day.

 

“Don’t take him just yet,” he says maybe a bit too softly. “I’ll bring him back to the commanding shuttle. Don’t worry.”

 

“Do you wish to have stormtroopers helping you, General ?”

 

“No.”

 

She nods again and orders her men to follow her. Now that they are all gone, he allows himself to give in to remorsefulness. He stands slowly and takes the few trembling steps that are left between Kylo and him. His vision blurs as he sits back down on the grass. He bites back a wail. It had to be done, he tells himself.

 

He pulls on his gloves and discards them carelessly before taking one of Ren’s hand in his own and folding his arm to let it rest on his abdomen. His skin is already losing its warmth. Hux bends over him and takes his other hand gently, placing it over the other. Yes, it had to be done.

 

His eyes slide up his resting body, ignoring the wounds, _avoiding_ the one he made, too afraid it would dig its guilty claws in him. His face only bears a slash on a side of his forehead that bled profusely. With the back of trembling, numb fingers, he caresses his cheek softly, before leaning in and putting a kiss on his mouth. There is nothing else he could have done.

 

His conviction shatters as soon as their lips touch. As soon as he straightens, his eyes dart to the ugly wound he carved in his chest. What has he done ? His hand slowly slides to brush the edges of the burnt fabric. He presses his fingers between Kylo’s colder and colder ones. Without him knowing, a tear crashes on Kylo’s cheek and it runs down, clearing the skin of its blood in a straight path. What has he done ? Something in the air feels wrong. The sudden silence and the pressure on his chest makes it hard to breathe. It feels as if… Hux refuses to think about it. Refuses to word it. ...As if something, as if _the Force_ disappeared.

 

He closes his eyes and whimpers in pain. On his eyelids plays a scene he saw a thousand times in his sleep: Kylo’s softest smile to him as he welcomes him back from a mission. Everything changed so much, he thinks. He sees again Kylo’s distorted features as he spits hateful words at him, sees the lightsaber reflecting in his eyes, remembers the pain he felt as it burnt into his skin.

 

He opens his eyes and observes his resting face through the blur of tears. He knows it was necessary. Kylo had become a tyrant that kept on abusing him. It would have continued. Or would it..? Hux shakes his head. There is no need to think about what would have happened now.

 

He stands up and retrieves the lightsaber before putting it between Kylo’s hands on his chest. He slips his own hands underneath his body and lifts him up slowly, swallowing hard. As he walks back to the shuttle, a heavy weight settles on his shoulders the more he crosses path with his soldiers. The blood leaves a sticky feeling on his fingers, and only then he notices he forgot his gloves again. It doesn't really matter. He lays him down slowly in the shuttle and the men immediately rush to take care of him as Hux turns around and heads toward the commanding tent. The encampment is oddly silent.

 

Phasma is waiting for him, helmet in hand. She holds the curtain for him to come in, and he immediately sits - lets himself fall, rather - on a chair. He raises a hand to brush his damp hair back but stops when he sees his hand. It is completely red, covered in blood. He stays silent a long moment, eyes locked on it.

 

“You look pale.” Phasma’s voice takes him out of his thoughts. He doesn't answer. “I already ordered our men to bring you and Kylo Ren back to the ship.”

 

He silently nods.

 

“I also contacted the medical droid, it will take care of your physical and mental health and of cleaning Ren’s body for a proper ceremony.”

 

“I don't need medical assistance.”

 

“Simple precautionary measures.”

 

Hux snorts. “I should give you the lead for a few days, maybe.”

 

“But our campaign here isn't done yet, is it ?”

 

“You're right.” He sighs and sits back. “Then I'll appoint lieutenant Mitaka. There’ll be a lot to tend to when I’m back, I'd rather have him oversee you and the troops while I try to get some order back.”

 

Suddenly, a nervous giggle escapes his throat and shakes his body. “After all, we’re the First _Order_ , aren't we ?”

 

* * *

 

 

Back in his chambers, Hux had refused the full exam the medical droid wanted. He knows he would have been qualified as unable to return to duty. Underfed, sleep-deprived and now destroyed in every way, he most certainly doesn’t want that to appear on his medical record.

 

He undresses quickly and slips under the shower to wash everything off: sweat, blood, dirt, shame, guilt. His wet hair falls on his face as the water pours down on him and everything seems so far now. If not for the red-stained water, he could believe it never happened. He rests his forehead on the wall and closes his eyes, a light dizziness making his head spin. On the screen of his eyelids he sees his arm trembling again, Kylo’s eyes widening again. He can feel the rough handle of the blaster against his palm through the leather glove. He slides his fingers against the long scar on his chest. It’s over, he thinks. Everything's over. He scrubs himself clean quickly. He won't suffer again.

 

* * *

 

 

Three days after coming back from Yaga Minor, Hux finally closes the golden clasp of a white cloak and sighs. He looks at himself in the mirror of his chambers. In an hour his officers, the Knights of Ren, a handful of stormtroopers and himself will land on Chandrila for the funeral he has always dreaded the most. For this, Hux is wearing a white tunic closed on the side of the chest with golden buttons and red cuffs, two golden fourragères on the left shoulder, a straight white pair of trousers, white boots ornamented with golden embroideries and white gloves. The underside of the cloak is scarlet and it reminds him how much of Kylo’s blood he has on the hands.

 

He swallows hard and turns around. Ceremony or not, he still is the General, he still needs to command his army. He nods to everyone that salutes him as he walks and goes up to the bridge. His fast walk makes the cape fly behind him, and he thinks about how Kylo’s own used to twirl around him when he trained and fought with it. It makes his stomach knot.

 

On the bridge are Mitaka and Phasma, already waiting for him, in their ceremonial clothes. Mitaka traded his usual black uniform for a white one and Phasma wears a brand-new, polished armour with a white cape lined with the red stripe of her captain rank.

 

“General.” They salute at the same time.

 

He greets them back and asks for a report on the situation. He hums to it, barely listening, too busy worrying about the upcoming ceremony. He will have so much to take care of after it, professionally and personally.  

 

“The medical droid informed me that everything was ready.” Phasma declares a few moments later. “We are only waiting for the Knights, now.”

 

Hux nods silently. He passively observes his men work, his mind already wandering, relentlessly going back to Kylo. He needs to see him before they land, before anybody else sees him. He’s too afraid to give in and cry in front of everyone, in front of people who never knew what Kylo was for him, who never should.

 

“I'll go and have a word with it. Inform the Knights that we'll be departing in fifteen minutes.”

 

Without wasting any time, he spins on his heels and heads to the medical level and the morgue. He is welcomed by the droid’s satisfied bleeping.

 

“Yes, take me to him.”

 

As they walk, it compliments him on his appearance. It makes him chuckle sadly.

 

“It is, indeed. Thank you. Leave me alone for a moment. We leave in ten minutes, come back then.”

 

A cold shiver runs down his spine when he turns and finally faces his fear. Lying on a black, smooth surface is Kylo Ren. His hair is neatly combed. His face bears a new scar, crossing a side of his forehead. His moles contrast violently on his colorless skin. His lips have lost their pink hue.

 

He wears a simple long black tunic made of a beautiful sheer fabric, black trousers and black embroidered boots. His naked hands lay on his stomach, his lightsaber resting under them.

 

Hux pulls on a glove and lets his fingers lightly trail on the skin of his hands. He starts when he feels their coldness: it goes up his arm and right to his heart. He observes his own hand as if he wasn't the one moving it and a ball forms in his throat. Kylo’s skin is even paler than his, even colder than his. He swallows hard and lets his fingers slide up, unconsciously stopping on his heart. Underneath the thin fabric, he feels the large wound he carved in his chest. Yet he still flattens his palm and waits to feel a pulse.

 

In vain. So he lifts it up until his face and gently caresses his cheek with the back of now trembling fingers, through now blurry eyes. A heavy wave of regret washes over him and he pushes it back, closing his eyes. He can't let it overwhelm him. But as soon as he reopens them, sorrow fills him and he removes his hand quickly to press it against his mouth. He wants to scream. Tears fall on his fingers as he blinks and he takes a step back. He can't breathe.

 

He jumps when the door opens behind him and he hastily wipes the tears away. The mechanic voice of the droid tells him it is time to go. Hux nods and puts his white glove back on before heading to the docking bay.

 

There, twelve stormtroopers, the six Knights of Ren, Mitaka and Phasma are waiting for him and the body, that another droid is carrying. As they all climb in, Hux wonders if he will be able to stay stone-faced. He sits silently and watches as they leave the ship and go into lightspeed. He looks down at his hands. They looked so pink against Kylo’s white face, as if they were still covered in his blood. He swallows hard. What if he hadn't killed him ? Would it have changed anything ? He bites the inside of his cheek and looks away. Only then he notices Phasma -who has removed her helmet for now- is staring at him. She doesn't look away. So he does.

 

* * *

 

 

They land on a large clearing next to the shore of one of the oceans of Chandrila. A strong wind blows through the trees further away. According to the custom, they form a procession behind the corpse: the Knights of Ren first, followed by Mitaka, Phasma and Hux, and behind him, the stormtroopers. They walk solemnly as the droid leads them along the coast, then deeper in the woods and to a cave. There, the Knights lift Kylo’s body and lie it down on a platform resting on a big pile of wood. They then form a circle around him and kneel, head down, before the stormtroopers form a larger circle around them. Hux stands between the two concentric circles, in the middle of his officers, and soon, the Knights start chanting. So he closes his eyes and waits, he lets himself sink in the words and forget why they are all here. He tries to erase the memory of the terrified eyes that begged him mercy.

 

When they stop after a moment, he opens his eyelids and observes the pile of wood in front of him. There will be nothing left for him to cry over, he tells himself.

 

Mitaka removes his cap and slowly starts talking. “The time has come for the First Order to honour the memory of Supreme Leader Ren.” An eulogy.

 

Hux should have been the one to do it, but he couldn’t. He tried, but every sentence made him want to scream in pain. So he appointed Mitaka for it. Rightfully so, it seems, as the funeral oration makes him want to cry. He blinks a few times to chase the tears. He can’t stay like this forever. He won’t allow it. He breathes deeply. It had to be done.

 

As Mitaka finishes, Hux is handed a flaming torch and he takes it, focusing on keeping his shaking under control. In the silent cave, he takes slow steps on the gravel, face serious, breath steady. At the foot of the pile of wood, he lifts the torch in the air and waits a second, maybe two, before lowering it and setting fire to the dry wood. He bites his lip as he lets go of the torch. There is no turning back now. He watches Kylo’s resting face a last time as the flames go higher and higher. He tries to carve it in his mind before everything he ever loved disappears into the fire.

 

Hux turns around and slowly comes back between the officers, two or three steps behind them, in hope to hide the pain he knows shows through his straight face. He blinks the tears away again and bites his tongue to stay emotionless. From the corner of his eyes, he sees Phasma’s helmet turn toward him for a second. It would be lying to say that he doesn’t fear her cleverness: if she doesn’t already know what happened, he knows she suspects something.

 

The pyre radiates warmth in the humid cave as its flames rise high, their orange light reflecting on the helmets of the men around him. He watches mournfully the fire consume everything for a few more minutes and finally opens his mouth.

 

“We leave you here, brave men, to a glorious destiny.”

 

To his words, everyone stands and exits the cave in an organized column, soon followed by him. He walks between them, now standing on each side of the pathway, and stops at the very end of it. He turns around and stares straight to the six stormtroopers that stayed in the cave and around the pyre.

 

“May the Force be with you, soldiers. The First Order salutes your sacrifice.”

 

When he closes his mouth, the Knights of Ren use the Force to carefully seal the cave with boulders. Hux forces himself to breathe slowly. It is done. Once and for all. Or so he hopes.

 

* * *

 

 

As soon as they are back on the ship, he almost runs out of the shuttle.

 

“General !”

 

He stops in his tracks and turns around to Phasma.

 

“What is it Captain ?”

 

“I would like to clear some things up with you.”

 

Hux’s blood freezes in his veins.

 

“Of course. Let’s go.”

 

Once in the command room, they both sit down.

 

“Please, talk,” he declares as she removes her helmet.

 

“I don’t want to question your ways, General, but I need to know.” She pauses and looks straight at him. “Were you the one that did it ?”

 

“What do you mean ?” So she guessed it. Hux brushes his hair back nervously.  

 

“Did you kill Kylo ?”

 

He looks away and sighs. There is no need denying it. “I did.”

 

“Why ?” She asks immediately.

 

“I had my motives.”

 

“Hux,” she interrupts him, and it is the first time she calls him this way. “I assassinated your father. Whatever it is, you know I can hear it.”

 

He stays silent for a while, hesitant. “He became abusive. Just like my father.”

 

“You mean...”

 

He nods. “Yes. Exactly like him.”

 

“You should have told me.”

 

“There was nothing to do about it. As his subordinate, I obeyed like I had to. I wouldn’t have turned my back on him.”

 

Phasma nods. She seems to understand. “Is that why you looked so bad back on Chandrila ? Because you felt guilty ?”

 

Hux stares at his hands and holds in a relieved sigh, glad she doesn’t know for their relationship.

 

“Yes.” She doesn’t need to know he was in love. After all, it belongs to the past, now. “What gave me away ?” He asks, changing the subject.

 

“The edge of the fabric was still burning when I arrived, yet the blood coming from the other wounds was starting to clot. Furthermore, if he was already dead when you arrived, why did you stay so long there, and why weren’t you already bringing him back to the encampment ?”

 

He hums softly and forces a little smile on his face. “You're clever, I'm glad you're on our side.”

 

She chuckles genuinely. “I believe that's what enabled me to become Captain.”

 

“Thank you for your support,” he says, struggling to keep smiling. “I’ll be back after changing clothes.”

 

She nods and stands, saluting him briefly before going back to the bridge.

 

Hux lets out a heavy sigh, relieved she didn't ask further questions. Not because he is a bad liar, no, but because he is still too affected by Kylo’s death to hide his feelings.

 

* * *

 

 

A few days later, Hux is on the bridge at dawn. He has no time to waste, it is the day he appoints a new Master of the Knights of Ren. He considered making them fight to death until the best remained, but he didn't have the right to make them kill each other for the sake of the First Order. Instead, he chose to gather them and announce them that a decision would have to be made. He told them to decide between them and that if they couldn't come up with only one, he would chose for them.

 

And the day has come. In the throne room, Hux is watching them as they stand in silence before him.

 

“Have you chosen, Knights ?”

 

His voice echo in the large room and an unpleasant shiver runs up his spine: he hates standing where Kylo once stood. He pushes the thought away as two men step forward.

 

“Are those the one who received your general agreement ?”

 

“Yes, General.” Comes the helmet-distorted voice of one of them.

 

“Good. As there is two of you, I will hear your greatest achievements. Your fighting abilities have already been judged and your presence here exempts you of any form of mental strength test.”

 

He pauses and observes them intensely. Was this what Kylo saw every day of his training ? Of his reign ? Six expressionless masks ? He closes his eyes briefly before taking his breath.

 

“Now speak.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Who did you chose ?” Phasma is waiting for him in the empty command room.

 

“The best.”

 

“Was he the one I appointed as the best fighter ?”

 

“He is.”

 

“I knew he would fit.”

 

Hux hums pensively. “But he is nowhere near Kylo Ren. I saw him fight, he still has a lot to learn. He doesn't deflect blaster rounds as good as he should.”

 

“He defeated every other Knights of Ren.”

 

“Has he demonstrated the Force to you ? Do you know if he masters it ?”

 

“No, but...”

 

“You have seen what Kylo could do with it.” Without thinking, he swallows his saliva, expectIng for his windpipe to be tight. It is not. He clears his throat. “His persuasion is weak, his elocution, boring. He doesn't inspire anything. Ren inspired fear, he didn't care about dirtying his hands for the First Order.”

 

He stops, afraid his voice would break as all kinds of memories resurface in his mind. Good ones, of course: Kylo’s morning kisses, his tired calls once safe on missions. But also bad ones: the painful bruises he always woke up with, the shame of working with a freshly split lip.

 

He shakes his head and looks at Phasma, who hasn't moved.

 

“But he will do.” He looks outside for a second, then continues. “He has no other choice.”

 

When he leaves, everything he tried to block out rushes back to him in a devastating wave. Hate, love, pain, distress, guilt and sorrow all at once, crushing his soul. He throws his jacket on the floor as soon as he enters his chambers and clutches the door of the refresher, soon bending over the sink, a strong nausea making his stomach churn. As he shakes from head to toe, his hands grip the edge of the piece of furniture. He forces himself to breathe slowly and he looks at himself in the mirror. White as a sheet, hair damp, circles under his eyes and gaunt cheeks, he looks ill. He watches as a bead of cold sweat rolls down the side of his face. He can’t let himself fall this low.

 

As he tries to relax a bit, he undresses and takes a sonic before changing clothes and combing his hair back perfectly. The day has only started and he still has a lot of work to do. He takes a few more minutes to breathe deeply before going back to work. He doesn’t have the time for panic attacks.

 

* * *

 

 

After another panic attack -the third in three days- Hux is sitting on his bed, unable to sleep, heart still racing. He rubs his palms on his face, completely lost, and without even knowing tears start spilling from his eyes. In no time he finds himself sobbing heavily, an intense pain piercing through his whole being. Why did he pull the trigger ? He can’t tear his mind off Kylo’s memory. No matter how abusive they relationship had become, no matter how violent he had grown, Hux still loves him. He wonders what would have happened if he had let him live. He wants to believe that Ren would have been kind to him again. He frowns. Nothing proved him that he wasn’t shamelessly lying to have him back, but he refuses to think about it, refuses to admit that power blinded him.

 

Maybe it is all his fault, after all. From what he had told him, Kylo believed he didn’t want him in his life anymore. Maybe if he had tried harder -even just a bit- it could have been different. What if he had understood his distress sooner ? As Hux struggles to stop crying, he lies down on the bed, hands still covering his face in the hope of drying his seemingly inexhaustible tears. In a reflex move, he turns on his side and buries his face in the pillow next to him. He regrets it immediately, only now noticing how Kylo’s scent is definitely gone.

 

What has he done ?

 

* * *

 

 

“Is it today ?”

 

Hux turns towards his Captain, guessing she is smiling under her hemet, and nods.

 

“If you need me, I will be in the docking bay, General.” She declares before leaving.

 

Hux sighs and presses the button that opens the plasteel door. In assured steps, he walks to the middle of the room and puts a knee on the floor.

 

“What is it you seek from me, General Hux ?”

 

“Supreme Leader, I wish to know if you considered my request.”

 

“I did.”

 

He mentally curses his way of responding. Being forced to obey to someone has never been something he liked, and it most certainly had become something he deeply loathed under Snoke’s and Kylo’s reigns.

 

“May I hear your decision, Supreme Leader ?”

 

“Before I do, please tell me what you consider to be your greatest achievement while in the ranks of the First Order.”

 

“The creation of the Starkiller base.” He says without hesitation. “And with it, the destruction of the Hosnian system.”

 

The Knight stays silent for a little while and Hux wonders if his answer influenced his choice.

 

“Then you are worthy of it. General Hux, on this day I promote you Grand Marshal of the First Order. From now on, you will serve our interests and lead our army with an iron fist, more masterfully than ever before.”

 

His heart jumps in his chest, but he only bows his head further down as he speaks.

 

“I am most grateful for your munificence, Supreme Leader. I will not disappoint you.”

 

“Please change into your new uniform as soon as possible, Grand Marshal.”

 

Hux walks out of the throne room and immediately takes the elevator down to go back to his chambers. As he expected, his new uniform is waiting for him, the coat and jacket neatly hanged, the pair of trousers neatly folded. He smiles to himself and grabs the left sleeve of the jacket, fingers softly trailing against the third cuff insignia.

 

A nice warmth spread in his chest and he bits the inside of his cheek. He feels proud, _so_ proud. He needs to tell Kylo.

 

He curses himself at the second the thought crosses his mind. The pain resurfaces and he lets go of the piece of clothing to sit on his bed. He puts his elbows on his knees and buries his face in his hands as he feels a deep sorrow seeping in him.

 

He swallows through a closed throat and tries to push away the panic he feels coming. Why did he think that ? How could he forget ? He killed his lover. His heart start beating faster. _Idiot_ , he thinks. _You shot right through his chest_ . He breathes in slowly. _But he raped and beat you._ He breathes out. _He loved you._ He watches the floor through his fingers and tries to anchor himself in reality. He is on the flagship of the First Order. He is the Grand Marshal. He did what he had to to put an end to his abusive relationship. He is able to take a hold on his life, he has the mental strength to do so.

 

He chuckles sadly. He wouldn't give much for his mental stability, would he be to undergo a complete test. Between his panic attacks and his worsening chronic insomnia, he is glad his body hasn't given up yet. He takes a couple more deep breaths and stands up, determined to go on with his day. He quickly changes into his new uniform and goes back up to the bridge.

 

The few stormtroopers he crosses path with on the way call him General out of habit before correcting themselves when they see the third insignia. He nods to them politely and pride slowly lifts the corners of his mouth again.

 

Once he is up on the bridge, he takes his datapad and contacts Phasma, commanding her to meet him here. They have a mission to prepare: annihilating the Resistance planet by planet, ship by ship, filthy resistant scum by filthy resistant scum. He clenches his fists. More than a mission, it is retaliation he seeks. For the Captain, that almost lost an eye, for Kylo Ren, that lost his sanity, and for himself, that lost his dignity. _And the man you love,_ a voice says in the back of his head. He ignores it. The Resistance gone, the First Order is bound to thrive and rule over the universe.  

 

But he was to rule over the universe alongside Kylo. Together, they would have been invincible. He would have treated him as an equal. The power would have laid in their hands. Nothing could have stopped them.

 

Hux shakes his head to himself sadly. It could have been perfect, yes, but fate had other plans for them.

 

“You wanted to see me, Grand Marshal ?”

 

He turns toward Phasma and nods.

 

“We need to prepare an attack plan, Captain. The objective has already been given, the only thing left for us to do is set up a military strategy. Let’s go.”

 

* * *

 

 

Hux is sitting in bed, huffing, a hand on his heart that threatens to jump out. His eyes tightly shut, he tries to push out of his mind the remorsefulness he still feels. Further down, sorrow twists his guts and distress forbids the air from filling his lungs.

 

Every night for a month now, he has had panic attacks. Big or small, they were all linked to the same thing. Hux can almost hear it again through the loud sound of the blood pumping in his ears: the almost inaudible click of the trigger immediately followed by the blaster going off. He whimpers painfully. _You have no idea how much I loved you, Hux_ . Kylo’s words echo in his head. _I wanted you back, I needed you_.

 

“Shut up.” He mumbles to himself.

 

Ren needed him. He needed his help. He wanted to be with him again. Yet the only thing Hux did was kill him. He bites his lip to keep a scream in. It was all his fault. He should have done something. He should have listened to him.

 

_I’m sorry, Hux. So sorry._

 

He thought he wanted vengeance. He thought Kylo was wrong. He turns his head and glances at his brand-new uniform, at the third insignia that made him so proud. But now he couldn’t care less about it. He thought he was destined to rule over the universe, but now he understands. _Power_ doesn’t matter anymore. _Pride_ doesn’t matter anymore. _Glory_ doesn’t matter anymore.

 

Only now he realises.

 

Without him, nothing matters anymore. Without him, he is nothing.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to all of you that left a comment, left a kudo or both. You're the best.  
> And thank you for bearing with me until the end !


	6. I only have me to offer you: my bare hands, my star-drunk heart and my ageless madness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I promised, here is one of the two endings this story needed. Feel free to read only one or to read them both !  
> If you think he didn't do it, this chapter is for you. If you think he did, you may want to read the other one first.  
> It took me some time to write them, but here they are, I hope you'll enjoy them !

 

 

 

He casts a glance at the blaster again, at his arm threatening to falter under its weight, his finger on the trigger. And at Kylo again, at the despair in his eyes, his trembling bottom lip.

 

He knows what to do. He had always known.

 

He drops the blaster and hurriedly kneels next to him.

 

“Don't move,” he stammers, “I'll bring you back.”

 

His voice is barely a whisper, but he hopes it is enough. His hands shake furiously. How could he even think about it ? He secures his hold around Kylo’s body and knees and stands back up on his feet. The strong smell of blood fills his nostrils. He hasn’t even turned around that he hears quick footsteps approaching. The Knight’s grip is faltering, so Hux looks down. Only then he realises how pale Kylo is. He curses under his breath.

 

“General,” a voice starts.

 

“Not now Captain. Please, take the lightsaber and the blaster and bring them back. Come back to the ship as soon as you can.”

 

Hux walks past her and her stormtroopers without waiting for an answer. He needs to hurry. When he arrives at the encampment, he almost runs to the black shuttle and lies Kylo on a bench. He knows Ren is still trying to look menacing, but he has seen him, seen the Force vanishing with his own physical strength - unsurprisingly. Judging by the cuts everywhere on his body, he must have lost a large amount of blood.

 

His mind drifts off to the collapse of the Starkiller base. But this time, there is no Rey, no Force-sensitive enemy, only recklessness. If he wasn’t in such a state -no, if Hux wasn’t so afraid of him, he would hit him, shake him, try to force some common sense into his head. Of course he couldn’t defeat a whole army by himself, what did he think ?

 

“Get back to the starship.” He orders. “Now.”

 

When Hux looks back at him, he notices he’s struggling to keep his eyelids open and a new wave of guilt crashes into his consciousness. Who is he to criticize him ? Wasn’t he himself on the verge of shooting him ? He bites the inside of his cheek and leans on him.

 

“Don’t worry.” He whispers. “You’ll be okay, I swear.”

 

He wants to take his hand and act as if nothing ever happened, but he can’t. The pain is still here and so is the hatred. His stomach churns as the nausea comes back and the taste of bile coats his tongue. He hates to admit it, but he has to rest. He sighs.

 

As soon as they land in the ship, a medical droid greets Hux and the now unconscious Knight of Ren in his arms. Hux explains the situation to it as he quickly strides in the corridors.

 

“There is no need to screech like this,” he mumbles, a headache blooming in the back of his head.

 

Once he is sure Kylo is taken care of, he doesn't waste any time to go to his chambers the fastest he can. He sends a quick message to Mitaka to notify him Kylo and him are back, but that he will stay in charge for a day or two. He puts his datapad on the table and sits on the bed. He sighs. Maybe some rest will help him, he can’t afford to pass out on the bridge.

 

Someone knocks as he removes his jacket.

 

“Come in.”

 

“The medical droid sent me, General.”

 

Hux eyes the tray in the man’s hands.

 

“I’m not hungry.”

 

“It told me you had to eat, so I will leave it here.”

 

He grunts slightly and gestures vaguely towards the table before turning around. He hears the man salute him and leave. He waits for the plasteel door to close before finishing to undress. In his underwear, he checks what is under the bell cover and after several minutes considering the food, sits down on a chair. He isn’t hungry, but maybe forcing some food down will help him recover faster. After all, when was the last he was hungry ?

 

As he reluctantly takes a bite, he thinks about Kylo. How did it even cross his mind ? How could he consider killing him ? Yet he stood there with the heavy blaster in his hand. He can almost feel its coldness again. Mechanically, his free hand comes up to stoke the long scar on his chest. Killing him would have never assuaged his conscience.

 

He forces himself to eat some more before going to his bed and turning all the lights off. He can’t hide it, he needs to sleep. Soundly. But as soon as he closes his eyes, he sees his shaking hand and Kylo’s fear-contorted features. He swallows hard. What if he had shot him ? Did he even have the guts to do it ? He bites his lip. Maybe Snoke and Ren were right, maybe he is a coward.

 

Hux tries to shove away those thoughts and turns on his side. The faint smell of Kylo’s hair caresses his nostrils. It would be gone soon, he thinks. It is almost imperceptible. It is better this way, he tries to convince himself, much better.  

 

* * *

 

 

When he opens his eyes again, Hux realises he fell asleep without even knowing. He rubs his eyes briefly and sits up, the cold of the room making his body shiver as the covers slide down. He checks the time, only to find out he slept four hours. It’s better than nothing, he tells himself.

 

After a sonic and a change of clothes, he walks to the bridge and checks the situation with Mitaka.

 

“I thought you wouldn’t be back for another day, sir.”

 

“I’m not here to take back the reins, I just wanted to see with you how things were going.”

 

He nods and asks about Kylo.

 

“Our Supreme Leader is…” Hux tries to find the right words. “He has multiple injuries. He was attacked by a whole group of rebels.” He looks in the eyes of the man standing next to him. “It’s a miracle I found him alive. He is the best man we could have as a Supreme Leader.”

 

Mitaka’s expression seems to change a bit, but Hux looks away immediately and tells him to take good care of his army while he is away before going back to where he came from. _The best man we could have as a Supreme Leader_. He snorts. What a bald-faced lie.

 

* * *

 

 

The next day finds Hux grunting at his datapad and its unpleasant beeping meaning only one thing: something has happened. The bright blue letters tell him Kylo has asked for him, but strangely enough, the message comes from Mitaka. After quickly getting dressed, he goes to the infirmary, not without a certain apprehension, but to his surprise, when the door opens, Kylo isn’t there. The medical droid explains to him with his mechanical voice that the Supreme Leader went back to the throne room without his permission.

 

“Alright.”

 

“His wounds need to be tended to, they need time to heal, Supreme Leader Ren cannot stay like this. Please bring him back, General Hux.”

 

The ginger mumbles an answer and turns around, decided to find Kylo. Knowing he wants to see him in the throne room brings back painful memories, but he has no other choice than to push them away. He can’t escape it anyway, can he ? He stops by the bridge before going further and asks Mitaka about the message.

 

“What did he tell you ?”

 

“That he wanted to see you, that’s all.”

 

“He didn’t tell you what he wanted from me ?”

 

“No, General.”

 

Deep down, Hux feels a knot forming in his stomach, and he forces himself to move before losing his composure. Why didn’t he contact him directly ? He lowers his gaze to the ground as the plasteel door opens.

 

“You wanted to see me, Supreme Leader ?”

 

Hux puts a knee down, as he always does, and waits. But instead of Kylo’s usual aggressive tone, it is a cracked, tired voice that echoes in the large room after a few minutes.

 

“Thank you.”

 

He frowns. Did he call him only to tell him that ? As if he had heard his thoughts, the Knight speaks again.

 

“I want to ask for your forgiveness.” He says. “I was blinded by the power Snoke dangled in front of me. He fooled me.”

 

There is a brief silence before Kylo coughs.

 

“You were right, Hux. He fooled me.”

 

He swallows hard, but the ball of pain in his throat won’t disappear.

 

“Look at me, please.”

 

So Hux raises his head and plunges his green eyes in Kylo’s brown ones without stopping at the dark circles under them nor at his dry lips.

 

“I’m sorry, Hux...”

 

And what he sees in them tears him apart.

 

“So sorry.”

 

He can’t say that to him. He can’t ask for his forgiveness. Hux feels his eyes welling up with tears.

 

“I’m sorry Kylo,” he starts, “but I can’t. This is... Beyond my capacity.”

 

The black-haired man takes the steps left between them and kneels in front of Hux, head bowed.

 

“Please,” he says as he takes his hands in his, “please forgive me, Hux. Please.”

 

“There’s no need to beg.” Hux’s voice breaks as his conviction weakens. “I won’t-”

 

“I love you, Hux.”

 

No no no _no no no_.

 

Their lips touch and Hux fights not to forget everything. His familiar scent makes his head spin. _Unfair_ , he thinks, what an unfair way to seduce him again.

 

“You can’t do this,” he mutters as they part. He needs to go. If he doesn’t, he knows he will give in. “Kylo I-”

 

But before he can finish his sentence, the Force-user wraps him in a tight embrace and kisses his face.

 

“I’m sorry Hux, I’m sorry. I won’t let it happen again, I won’t let me hurt you again.” He whispers against his skin. “Please take me back. I’ll do anything. Please.”

 

A voice in the back of his head screams to him to run away, but his pounding heart won’t let him move. If he doesn’t move now-

 

“I love you so much. You are everything to me.”

 

He wants to push him away, to be furious, but his hands only scratch the dark fabric of the tunic as they close on it. Without a word, he buries his face in Kylo’s neck and sobs. Why does it have to be so hard to tear himself from him ?  

 

“I missed you so much,” he cries against his skin, “I love you so much.”  

 

Maybe for once he can allow himself to give in. Maybe this time he can let control slip from his grasp and let himself be driven by the events.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Kylo’s head is resting on his chest, his steady breath gently lulling him. He can’t remember how many nights he spent awake, hoping for him to be back. Yet now he is, he still feels uneasy. Somewhere in his memory remains all the pain he ever felt because of him, like a white noise, always here, sometimes more noticeable than others.

 

At first it had been difficult to let him in his life again, but with time, he learnt to trust him, little by little. After two months, he still didn’t trust him entirely and still couldn’t even think about doing anything even remotely sexual with him, but he was trying.

 

The weight of his head felt reassuring, like his scent, and his fingers gently caressing his side told him he was not dreaming.

 

“Hux,” Kylo starts with a soft voice.

 

“I know, my black star.”

 

“I’m sorry,” he continues nonetheless. “I don’t know how I could do this to you.”

 

Hux can’t find in him the power to stop him. He already heard those words a thousand times.

 

“I’ll never hurt you again.”

 

So he says nothing. He listens patiently and continues stroking his black hair slowly.

 

 

* * *

 

 

As Hux wakes up and leaves Kylo on the bed to take a quick shower, he thinks back on the two other months that just flew by. Everything changed so fast. He almost can’t believe that four months before, he had been on the verge of killing him. He shakes his head as he steps under the water. No, he would have never done it.

 

As he lets the tiredness wash away with the warm water, he hears soft footsteps coming in his direction.

 

“Already up ?” He asks without looking behind him.

 

Kylo hums vaguely and he hears him drop his underwear before stepping behind him under the stream. He is about to turn around when he feels strong arms circling his waist and a muscled torso touching his back. The Knight puts his chin on his shoulder and he hears him exhale lengthily.

 

“Good morning to you too,” he chuckles as he guesses he is still half-asleep. They stay like this a few minutes, until Kylo huddles closer and starts stroking his skin. Only then he notices something else is _very_ awake in his lover.

 

Hux reaches down to place his hands on Kylo’s, his heart rate quickening and his cheeks burning. He twitches as he feels him move behind him, fear mixing with the desire curling around his guts.

 

“Don’t be afraid,” the black-haired man mumbles behind him while kissing his shoulder, “I’ll stop if you ask me to. I won’t hurt you, love, I swear.”

 

Hux forces himself to breathe slowly and he closes his eyes under the water. Each of Ren’s kisses makes him shudder and ever so slowly forget about how it used to be. His feather-light touches leave fire trails behind them as they get further and further down, while desire seeps in him, up from his groin. He reaches behind him and settles his palm on Kylo’s neck, fingers tangling in his black locks. Only the pouring water disturbs the sound of their breathing growing heavier and heavier. Hux follows the languid rocking of the Knight’s hips behind him, the feeling of his shaft slightly sliding against him making his heart beat faster.

 

A strangled moan escapes him as Kylo suddenly takes hold of his own erection without removing his mouth from his upper back. A new shudder runs up his spine and he arches a little against him with a hiss. How long has it been, he asks himself, since he last felt pleasure ? When was the last time he allowed himself to be hard ? He lets go of his neck and slides his hand down his body to hold his wrist while the fingers of his other hand entwine with Kylo’s on his waist. As he starts stroking him, Hux lets his head roll down and rest on Ren’s shoulder with a gasp.

 

“By the Stars, Kylo…”

 

“I know, love,” he whispers against his skin, “I’ll make you feel good.”

 

The General’s reason comes back to him as he asks himself what time it is and how late he is, but it immediately disappears when the grip around his cock gets tighter. His own hips start moving and his mind starts fogging with bliss. He barely hears Kylo through his own ragged breathing and blood pumping in his eardrums. With every stroke he loses more control over himself. He curses and bites his lip to keep a moan from leaving his dry throat.

 

“Don’t be shy, Hux.” Comes Kylo’s voice, and he notices he’s panting slightly. “Let me hear you.”

 

So he opens his mouth and lets every wave of pleasure elicit a new sound from him. The black-haired man gently slides his hand across his back, then down until his cheeks, and suddenly something feels off. Hux reopens his eyes and straightens a bit. An alarm goes off in his head when he slips a finger between them.

 

“No don’t-”

 

He doesn’t finish his sentence and immediately steps away from Kylo’s embrace, not wasting any time to turn around and face him. Eyes wide and heart pounding, he stares at him and tries to chase the panic that took over him in less than a second.

 

“I can’t.” He mumbles in a low voice.

 

“It’s okay.” Ren patiently smiles to him and reaches out, seemingly ready to wait until Hux is alright enough to take his hands. “It’s okay love, don’t worry. I’m here.”

 

He swallows hard and looks at the extended hands in front of him. _It’s okay_ , he tells himself, _he didn’t want to force his way in. He didn’t want to hurt you._ He swallows hard against the lump in his throat. Forcing himself to breathe slowly, he takes his hands and lets himself get wrapped in another embrace. Kylo takes his face in his hands and plunges his eyes in his. There is no hatred in them, he notices. He puts his lips on his and gives him a soft kiss. When they part, he gently strokes the side of his face.

 

“I promise you everything’s going to be okay. I love you, Hux.”

 

“But what about you ?” He says, still feeling his hard-on against his thigh.

 

“It doesn’t matter. What matters is you.”

 

Hux doesn’t answer. He is kissed again and this time when he moves away, Kylo turns around and leaves the shower before taking a towel and leaving the refresher with it. Hux sighs. He ruined everything. Turning the tap off, he quickly rubs himself dry and puts on his uniform before returning to the bedroom.

 

“I’m sorry.” A shameful blush creeps on his face as he watches him get dressed.

 

“There’s nothing to be sorry about.”

 

Hux brushes his wet hair back and takes his datapad from the table, avoiding his eyes.

 

“Anyway, it’s getting late, I have to go to the bridge.”

 

“Of course, General Hux.”

 

He raises his gaze quickly and catches Kylo’s amused smile and wink.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Wai- What are you doing ?” Hux whispers as Kylo pins him against a wall in the empty command room.

 

“Do you mean this…” He starts before hungrily kissing his lips. “...Or this ?” He continues while heavily grinding against him.

 

“Kylo-” He bites back a whimper. “Not here, anyone could get in and-”

 

“They could but they won’t, all the officers are sleeping, aren’t they ?”

 

“But-”

 

“You know their schedule, General, don’t you ?”

 

Hux nods and grips the tunic tighter.

 

“Then there’s nothing to worry about.” Ren kisses him again and again and again. “What would they do anyway ? Am I not their Supreme Leader ?”

 

The ginger stays silent, too busy focusing on staying on his feet and muffling any noise coming from his throat.

 

“Though I think there is some people on the bridge, right ?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“You’ll have to be silent, then, love, or else they might come. And I don’t want to share the view of your beautiful body with anybody else.”

 

He bites his tongue and nods again. He lets his mind wander when Kylo moves down to bite the skin of his throat. When did he become so eager, so shamelessly needy for his body ? Only one month had passed since the shower incident, and yet not more than two weeks after it, they had made love for the first time since a long, _very long_ time. Did he yearn for him that much before ? His head bumps on the hard wall when he bites on his collarbone and it takes him everything he has to keep his mouth shut.

 

Even more so when his hot chest presses against his back when he takes him, legs spread wide, hands slipping on the turned off control panels. _If Phasma ever learns what we’re doing on her desk_ -

 

He slaps a hand on his mouth and moans loudly against it as the Knight sets a new pace. His powerful hands grip him just right and he’s on the verge of screaming, so he puts his hand in a fist and bites it painfully hard.

 

“You’re such a mess, Hux,” he purrs, “I can’t wait to see you come.”

 

Turning his words into deeds, he speeds up and Hux squeezes his eyes shut under the intense wave of pleasure threatening to take him with it. He knows he won’t last long now, he knows it only is a matter of seconds. Twenty, thirty, maybe less. So he lets his mind drift off and waits. In no time, a searing white heat surrounds him and a violent wave of pure bliss crashes onto him as he comes. The taste of blood fills his mouth as he tries to silence himself and he almost misses his lover’s muffled grunt as he climaxes.

 

The spasms of his muscles stop agonizingly slowly and he only reopens his eyes when the pleasure finally starts wearing off. Behind him, Kylo is panting as hard as him and he rests his forehead on his back.

 

“Stop thinking about it,” he says, voice hoarse, breath hot against his sweaty skin, “nobody will find out.”

 

Hux gently shakes his head, a smile spreading on his lips. “I’m never _having a word_ with you at that time of the night ever again, now that I know what it means.”

 

“You’re the General, you can clear any room of this ship with one word.” Kylo declares calmly as he steps back and starts putting his clothes back on.

 

“We have chambers, you know ?” He lets out a small laugh and dresses too. “So why not use them ? After all, it’s not as if they were designed for privacy…” He winks at him.

 

“Let’s go, then ? Have another word there ?”

 

He shakes his head again, his smile only getting bigger.

 

* * *

 

 

“What are you thinking about ?” Hux asks as Kylo’s fingers brush the long scar on his chest.

 

“I’m sorry,” he mumbles.

 

“There’s no need to apology again, my black star. I know you are.”

 

“I hope you’ll forgive me.”

 

The General frowns. He doesn’t understand why he’s still asking for his forgiveness after all this time. Doesn’t he know he has already forgiven him ?

 

“I trust you.”

 

“I know.” Kylo says, and something in his voice sounds off. His fingers seem to press slightly harder on the burnt skin. “I know.”

 

“Is there something wrong ?”

 

The Knight doesn’t answer and sits up instead.

 

“Where are you going ?”

 

“The Knights of Ren need me.”

 

Hux frowns again. What is it, all of a sudden ?

 

“At this time ?”

 

“They need to understand what sacrificing everything is.”

 

He stays silent and watches him get up, taken aback. Why now ? And why is he so distant all of a sudden ?

 

 

* * *

 

 

He should have known. Oh, how he should have known. He should have understood the second he felt something change, weeks ago. He coughs penibly. It’s already too late. The hand sliding up his thigh has already lost its tenderness. The kisses on his shoulders are already more teeth than lips. Yet his body reacts. It learnt to enjoy Kylo’s touch again, only to make him suffer more now. He opens his eyes and stares down at the hand caressing the wound it made months ago.

 

“Why are you doing this ?” He breathes out, voice trembling.

 

“There can be only one in power, Hux.” His breath sends unpleasant shivers down his spine. “And you are too greedy, you always were.”

 

“Why don’t you kill me ?” He fights against the panic filling him.

 

“You’re still useful to the First Order… And to me.”

 

He presses a hot kiss on the side of his neck and the tears in Hux’s eyes finally spill. He should have pulled the trigger.

 

“Yes, you should have.” The Force wraps its painful hand around his head. “I'm sorry.”

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to all of you that left a comment, left a kudo or both. You're the best.  
> And thank you for bearing with me until the end !


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